Breaking In: Just Add Zombies!
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFireflyBy Josh Roessler and Juliana Weiss
A friend of ours believes that any screenplay idea can be improved by adding zombies to the mix, so in honor of Zombie week, we thought we’d test the theory on some popular TV shows.
Star Trek: TNG
The Enterprise scans a newly discovered planet for life signs; they detect nothing. But as they are about to leave, they detect a distress signal coming from the planet’s surface. Confused, they attempt video communication. When they are greeted by pale, decaying humanoids in a series of groans and moans, they become concerned that their universal translator is broken and that the planet below is suffering from a deadly illness. In the interest of “exploring strange new worlds and seeking out new life and new civilizations,” Riker, Worf, Crusher, and a friendly ensign wearing a red shirt are sent down to attempt communication at closer range and attempt to gather some medical evidence.
Quickly after arriving, the red-shirted ensign is taken by a mob of zombies. With phasers set on stun, the team is able to keep the rest of the zombies at bay, but in the process, Crusher is bitten on the arm. After arriving back on the ship, she begins exhibiting symptoms and is quarantined in a glass room. A member of the medical staff tells Picard that Crusher has less than 24 hours before her condition becomes irreversible. Through the glass walls, a devastated Picard confesses his feelings for her. As the day nears an end, it seems like all hope is lost, but Data bursts into the room: he has a cure!
After she has healed, Picard visits Crusher, and it quickly becomes apparent that Crusher remembers nothing of Picard’s confession. As the Enterprise leaves the planet, Picard notes in his log that some planets are better left alone.
More: Which movie is better: Star Trek: Nemesis or League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
The Wire
The bodies in all the boarded abandoned homes come to life and start ravaging East Baltimore. The paper gets word of the increased body count, but decides that it is not newsworthy because they have to devote five pages of coverage to a cat caught up a tree in an upper middle class neighborhood.
When Burrell hears about the problem, he decides that since the bodies are moving, they ain’t dead, so they go back and alter the murder count. The stats now show that Baltimore has the lowest crime rate in last twenty years! Based on this stellar performance, Mayor Royce is reelected.
Back in Mexico, Omar learns that Butchie has been taken out by zombies. Armed with his sawed-off shotgun, he comes to town to avenge Butchie’s death… and rids the town of the zombie invasion. Now the police force is faced with an astronomical body count and Royce’s job is on the line. But when they learn of Omar’s involvement, they take him in and book him as a serial murderer. The murder solve rate is the highest in twenty years! Based on the stellar work of his police force, Mayor Royce runs for governor and wins.
More: Read the American Zombie’s Guide to Election 2008.
Pushing Daisies
When Emerson, Ned, and Chuck hear reports that the dead are rising in Couers d’Couers, they become worried that someone else has gone all “willy nilly” with an ability similar to Ned’s. Emerson is particularly concerned that they will have competition in solving cases, so they go to investigate. When they arrive, it becomes clear that it is a zombie epidemic–and it’s spreading fast.
Chuck heads to the town record halls to see if she can figure out what body was the first to reanimate, hoping it will shed some light on the case. On her way there, Chuck’s aunts spot her but think she is a part of the zombie epidemic. Chuck plays along, moaning and walking stiffly. Lily runs away terrified and sobbing, but a depressed Aunt Vivian decides this is how she wants to go, taken out by her beloved Chuck. She faces Chuck, closes her eyes, and awaits her fate. Chuck hugs her aunt and walks away continuing to pretend to be a zombie. When Vivian arrives home in one piece and relays the story to her sister, Lily tells Vivian that it is a sign that she was meant to live.
Meanwhile, Ned discovers that if he touches a zombie, they come back to life just like normal corpses do, and when he touches them again, they go back to a normal death. He can stop the epidemic! Ned races around touching each zombie twice and saving the town. Meanwhile, Chuck learns that Olive caused the first zombie because she hasn’t appeared in this episode yet and it’s in Kristin Chenoweth’s contract. Since Ned has already solved the problem, they all have a good laugh about it back at the Pie Hole.
More: Fan of Pushing Daisies? Check out “Can Ned and Chuck Have a Child? Spoilers!“
Full House
Walking home from school with a group of friends, DJ and Stephanie see that they have new neighbors moving in - a zombie couple! Naturally the kids they’re with start making fun of the zombies, moaning and calling them names because they’re weird. At first DJ and Stephanie stay quiet, but eventually peer pressure causes them to join in…and Danny witnesses it.
After an enjoyable commercial break, Danny sits the girls down and tells them that it’s wrong to make fun of people for being different, and he wants the girls to go over and apologize to their new neighbors. They argue, but Danny puts his foot down and goes along to make sure they do it.
Much to the girls surprise, the zombies turn out to be nice people who only eat animal brains that they buy from stores. They even offer some to Danny and the girls, but they politely refuse and manage to look only slightly disgusted.
The next day when their friends start making fun of the zombie couple, DJ and Stephanie stand up for them and feel all moral and good. The episode ends when the zombies and the Tanners all go to a combo comedy act/rock concert to watch Joey and Jesse perform, during which Joey says “cut it out” and Jesse says “have mercy.” Everyone’s happy!
More: Want to learn the proper way to host a Zombie Party?
Wonderfalls
A strange, paranoid, nerdy-looking guy comes into the gift shop and asks Jaye for any books they have on the supernatural. Annoyed, she says, “Uh, this is a gift shop. For Niagara Falls. Books on the supernatural aren’t exactly a big seller. Please leave.”
Shortly afterward, while drinking at the bar, Jaye is thoroughly confused when a Frankenstein doll repeats the word “brains” to her over and over. Thinking the doll is insulting her for not being smart enough, she cuts down on her bar time and goes to the library more. But the doll keeps repeating “brains,” annoying her.
Meanwhile, reports start surfacing all around town that the dead are rising from their graves. Not that any sensible people, especially Jaye, puts any stock in such nonsense.
Eventually the doll says “brains” after Jaye bumps into the Nerdy Guy again while he’s bringing back a huge stack of books to the library. She thinks she’s supposed to help him in some way…or use his brain to help her solve something, so she starts to follow him, which doesn’t help his paranoia much.
As she follows him home one night, a shuffling figure grabs her and tries to bite her. She says, “Hands off, grabby,” but the figure just moans and tries again, this time more forcefully. Kneeing him in the balls doesn’t seem to do anything, but just then a gunshot rings out and the figure’s head explodes all over Jaye. She’s still in a little bit of shock as the Nerdy Guy comes over and explains that the figure was a zombie and they’re taking over the town, but no one will listen to him. “I’ll listen,” she says.
At that moment, Jaye’s dad calls, scared as hell, and tells her that some hopped up meth heads have broken into the house and are trying to kill them. “It’s because the Democrats are so lenient on drug users. They’re just running rampant.” He says they’ve locked themselves in the basement and called the police, but he’s afraid they’re going to die and wanted to tell her he loved her. Then there’s a scream and the phone goes silent.
Jaye turns to Nerdy Guy: “Zombies.” They race to her house, arm themselves with guns and go zombie hunting, narrowly saving her family and hiding the bodies before anyone sees them. The town is saved!
More: Learn Why Melissa Won’t Be Fighting When the Zombie Apocalypse Comes.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
When Buffy loses her job at the Doublemeat Palace because they found a demon head in the grinder, she is forced to get a 9 to 5 job in an office. When she arrives for her first day at work, she notices something is a bit off about her co-workers: they are lifeless zombies. When she goes to tell Giles, he tells her that most people doing mundane office work turn into mindless drones after a while and encourages her to return.
She does so, but turns to Xander and Willow for help and has them come with her to work. They all notice that during lunch everyone seems to be eating the same thing…and it looks suspiciously like brains. Also, no one at the office really talks; mostly they just grunt and moan. Even worse, no one in the outside world — delivery men, clients, or the general public — seem to notice that anything is wrong with the people in the office. Horrified, they decide: Something needs to be done about this.
Willow whips up a spell to un-raise the undead and they meet outside the office the next day to perform it…but nothing happens. The office workers keep going about their mundane tasks without talking to each other, looking lifeless and unhappy all the while. The office workers really are human beings.
On that depressing thought, they return home and admit to Giles that he was right. Which is great except that now none of them really has any will to live. Is this really what it’s like as an adult, living each day in a shuffling haze? Giles sighs and tells them to comes with him. Giles takes them back to the office, and they wait for someone to leave, then follow her. As soon as she gets home to her family, her whole demeanor changes — she’s vibrant, happy and full of life. “What happened?” asks Xander. Giles responds that a person’s job doesn’t define who they are or how they present themselves to the rest of the world. For many people, it’s simply a means to an end; it’s something they have to do in order to get to do the things they actually enjoy in their lives. It’s what adults do.”
Buffy replies, “Okay, preachy, lesson learned,” and everyone seems moderately happy. But when Buffy returns to work next day and faces the same droll monotony, she can’t do anything but stare at the clock and wait to leave.
(Okay, we cheated on that one… since it turned out they weren’t zombies.)
More: Fan of The Whedon? Read about Juliana’s Experience at the Serenity Premiere Party.
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Josh Roessler and Juliana Weiss are an aspiring Television writing team in Los Angeles. You can read their TV spec scripts and other writing here. Josh also writes a blog called Boring Future Generations.
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