8 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies

by Josh Roessler & Juliana Weiss

Persistence and An Insatiable Hunger for Life (Probably Yours!) -

It’s easy to admire zombies; they know exactly what they want and they go all out for it. A good zombie will do whatever it takes, whether that means breaking a window, clawing through a door or following your delicious brain smell for 500 miles just so they can sink their teeth in grey matter. Even if it means loss of limbs, loved ones or even undead life, they’re like the Energizer Bunnies of trying to kill and eat you – they just keep going and going and going…

Patience -

Close sister of persistence, zombies are very patient creatures. Let’s say you do manage to halt their progress and bar them outside of a huge metal door that they can’t break through. When you eventually have to go back through that door because the poorly written plot of the third act calls for you to do so, those same zombies are sure to be waiting to take a nice, juicy bite out of you. Because unlike us living folk, the undead have nothing but time on their hands.

Persuasiveness -

You have to admit that zombies are pretty persuasive creatures. How else could they manage to eat someone alive and STILL get that person to join their zombie cause? One bite and you just can’t say no. Don’t believe me? Try for yourself.

Not Self-Reflective -

You never hear zombies whining about not getting enough flesh or see them stop ripping apart their prey because they suddenly have a pang of conscious. On the opposite end of the spectrum, they don’t need to mourn when one of their compatriots falls to a headshot or waste any time on happiness and love. No self-respecting zombie ever lets his or her feelings get in the way of doing the job – and that’s the way it should be.

Succinctness, Brevity and Tersitude (a title that in itself proves I am not a zombie) -

Actions are far more important than words. Every zombie instinctually knows this and saves his or her proverbial breath for chasing and eating people. This economy of speech has actually made zombies quite efficient in their communication. A few simple grunts and groans eloquently communicate things like, “Excuse me, are you using that brain? Because my teeth are quite interested in it” and “Hey, other zombie pals, check it out, more humans for us to gnaw on.” They DO really need to work on their warning skills, however. For whatever reason, grunts don’t seem to accurately convey danger, generally resulting in numerous senseless zombie deaths…or is that “undeaths”?

Rampant objectivism -

If Ayn Rand were undead today, she’d be a zombie. They’re the ultimate believers of Objectivism, especially the part about Rational Self-Interest: “the proper moral purpose of one’s life is the pursuit of one’s own happiness.” Since killing and eating living people makes them happy, it’s the moral thing to do. Some might argue that this is closer to hedonism, but since human flesh is an actual NEED of the zombies, I stand by my definition.

Honesty -

Say what you want about zombies, but at least they’re honest. You know exactly what a zombie is all about from the second you meet him or her. They put their cards on the table and don’t hold back. In fact, if you know what’s good for you you’ll likely have to hold them back.

Focused -

Sure, zombies might look like they’re just shuffling around all the time, but try to come near them and you’ll learn right quick just how focused they are. The good side of this is that if you’re willing to sacrifice another human being (preferably someone you don’t like, if possible), zombies will often become so focused on that person that they might not even notice you!

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Josh Roessler and Juliana Weiss are an aspiring Television writing team in Los Angeles. You can read their TV spec scripts and other writing here. Josh also writes a blog called Boring Future Generations.

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