by Nancy Mathews
Say you bought a house that conveniently has a cursed pet cemetery behind it. One fateful day, Fluffy or Fido bites the big one. You decide, “Hey, what the hell! I’ll go bury it back there!” You may soon discover that your beloved pet has returned to you, just a little different than before. You are now the proud owner of a zombie pet.
Should this happen to you it will become readily apparent that the old pet care rules no longer apply. Zombie pets are a whole new ball game. Here are some tips to get you started.
Feeding
Always, always let your zombie pet out before going to bed. This will allow it to hunt for it’s own food. Say good-bye to those pesky squirrels that eat your flower garden! No more chipmunks in your rutabagas! In fact, that noisy dog from down the street may soon be a thing of the past as well! Your pet is very self-sufficient and will find brains wherever it can. An important note: no matter the weather, never allow your pet to stay inside the house while you are sleeping. It’s a fine line between beloved master and happy meal.
Grooming
As time passes, your pet’s fur will get more and more clumpy and matted. You may be tempted to brush it. Do so with caution. Tug too hard and the clumps of fur will just come right off. As your pet isn’t actually alive in the traditional sense, no new fur will grow to replace it. So, unless you are a fan of hairless pet breeds, it may be best to just leave well enough alone. Bathing may help, but keep in mind that the average pet aversion to bathing will be increased tenfold in a zombie pet. Attempting to do so may result in grievous bodily injury or owner death.
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Housebreaking and Litter Boxes
Good news! Your zombie pet doesn’t excrete anything since it’s digestive track doesn’t really work anymore. No more walks at 5 in the morning! No more changing that nasty litter box! You may find the occasionally body part, flaps of skin or teeth lying around, but that’s it.
Play and Companionship
You may want to gather a few of those squirrel or chipmunk skulls that litter your backyard. Your pet would love to bat them around the house and practice it’s skull plate removal skills on them. At no time do you want to rough house with your zombie pet as you may have done previously. Your animal’s zombie instincts may kick in and you will go from buddy to breakfast in a flash.
Mostly, your zombie pet will just love to sit around and stare at you while you go about your day. They’ll stare a lot, get used to it. You will have your pet until the day you die. Hopefully, by following these tips that day will be later rather than sooner!
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Nancy Mathews works very hard at masquerading as a grown up to go to work and raise her two sons. Once the sun goes down she reverts to the 10 year old that she actually is. You can follow her plans for world domination through the formation of an army of knitters on her blog, Bronxgirlknits.
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
