Why I Won’t Be Fighting When The Zombie Apocalypse Comes
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFireflyBy the Living Human, Melissa Voelker
Much to the dismay of my significant other - who is already stockpiling weapons and supplies for the day the Zombie war begins - I have decided that when the undead rise up in a decaying, brain-eating, grotesque horde, I will not be making a stand against them. Instead of joining Living Humanity as they wage the great battle against Dead Humanity, I prefer to get taken out early on by either my own hand, a stray bullet meant for a zombie, or even by a ravenous corpse (there won’t be an opportunity to be picky when the time comes, I’m sure) so I can pretty much sit the apocalypse out. I have nothing against those that will choose to fight against legions of the undead, more power to them really, but that isn’t the life for me.
So here are my top ten reasons I won’t be participating in mankind’s last stand, when the Zombie Apocalypse comes:
10) It will really piss off my boyfriend that not only will I be refusing to fight for the survival of the Living Human race, even after he has prodded and cajoled me to do so (yes, this is me being obstinate), but if a zombie gets me and then I come back as a zombie, he will have to kill me again. My undead self would find that hilarious.
9) I have no desire to live in dirty holes in the ground while scrounging for food and weapons and always fearing that at any moment the zombie hordes will attack. And not having the time or place to bathe on a regular basis is a deal breaker all on its own.
Having to re-kill my friends and loved ones after they become zombies would be so depressing (its only funny if my boyfriend has to re-kill me, for the above mentioned reasons.) While there are people in the world that I would have no trouble taking down (after they become zombies, of course) it would be such a bummer to have to shoot my little old gramma in the head because she is trying to eat my brain.
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7) I’ve seen enough movies to get a pretty good idea of what Living Humans start to do to each other when under zombie attack, and no thank you, that is something I do not need to deal with. It is no fun having your friends, neighbors, scientists, or government turn on you when you are already having to fight off mobile corpses.
6) While living in a mall has always been a small fantasy of mine (I’m a girl, after all, and there are so many shoes at the mall), it would get old pretty fast if I couldn’t ever leave the mall. The same for shacking up in most retail outlets or entertainment venues, though perhaps a bookstore could work for long-term tenancy.
5) The smell of all of those rotting corpses en masse would be so awful I’m sure it would make anyone having to breathe it want to curl up and die.
4) How do we know Dead Humans aren’t supposed to rise up and take over the world from Living Humans? Maybe they are the next phase in human evolution and are supposed to wipe all living people out, so why fight the inevitable?
3) It always seems like when the world comes to an end - whether by robot war or alien invasion or zombie apocalypse - eventually the survivors have to start burning books for defensive or cooking or heating purposes. A world where books are treated as nothing more than easy kindling is a world I have no wish to be a part of.
2) While scrounging for food, seeking out safe places to sleep and hide, and watching my companions be torn limb from limb would certainly not be boring, these things still lack a certain level of entertainment value. Without art, literature, cinema, anime conventions, wet t-shirt contests, and Mr. Universe pageants, what would survivors do for fun?
1) I would love to believe that deep down I have a super badass warrior woman just waiting to burst free when the situation demands. But I am more likely to house a whiny, terrified, crybaby within my heart of hearts, who will pee her pants and vomit on herself at the first sight of a zombie. It would be much better to bow out early than remain alive as that horrible, useless, nag that zombie/horror movie audiences always want to see killed in a very gruesome fashion.
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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine - for now.
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