By Lisa Fary
“Undead” doesn’t mean “apathetic.” An election year offers a unique opportunity for politically minded zombies to whet their appetites and determine the direction of the country. Elections bring with them rallies, conventions, and numerous other options for socially -conscious dining. Since zombies are always on the move, it can be hard to stay on top of the candidates and the issues. So, here is your guide to the candidates and the issues that are important to American zombies. Because zombies are Americans, too.
Barack Obama: This junior senator from Illinois is unity in a suit. Zombies suspect him to be a clone grown from the scavenged genetic material of JFK and MLK.
Pros: There are always throngs of fresh, young people at his rallies, so Obama events are good eatin’ for a hungry zombie. That is, if you can catch an Obama girl (they’re younger, faster, and more spry than the average zombie – not only that, but an Obama girl is likely to be surrounded by videographers, choreographers and production assistants).
Cons: Obama is inspirational and motivational. He’s the most likely to unite the living against the zombie uprising.
Hillary Clinton: This former first lady and current senator is the first woman to have a serious shot at the presidency and she’ll never let us forget it.
Pros: Clinton skews older so her rallies are a good choice for the discriminating zombie palate which savors aged meat, and also for stiffer zombies who have a harder time chasing their meals. While not a zombie herself, Clinton has been identified as an unspecified monster.
Cons: Clinton is likely to think the zombie uprising is all about her. She will focus more on MSNBC’s negative coverage of her handling of the zombie uprising, rather than focusing on our demands for more brains. Lady zombies should also give her husband wide berth, lest they wind up with a hole that wasn’t there before.
John McCain: This long time Arizona senator is a military hero and former prisoner of war, which he brings up at inappropriate times, such as in his Christmas message. Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a Vietcong drawing a cross in the ground with a stick before beating you with it.
Pros: Being a zombie himself, McCain is likely to be sympathetic to the zombie special interests. And talk about aged meat that can’t run away!
Cons: He may betray his zombie heritage to appease GOP puppet masters. Also,his promise to continue the war in the Middle East at all costs ensures that the tastiest morsels will be out of the country, and when they come back, they will know how to fight! (For you non-undead readers, imagine a plate of tasty cupcakes. Now, imagine that you grab a cupcake, and it whips out a gun and shoots you in the head).
Ralph Nader: This perpetual presidential candidate shows a perseverance that hungry zombies can identify with.
Pros: As a consumer advocate, Nader is most likely to defend your zombie right to consume people. What? Not that kind of a consumer? Never mind.
Cons: He’s likely to cut into the Democratic vote, enabling the election of John McCain (see above).
Ron Paul: He hasn’t formally dropped out of the race, so Dr. Paul is a zombie’s best hope for a smorgasbord of the living.
Pros: Implementation of Dr. Paul’s Libertarian ideas would prevent the government from taking decisive action to stop the zombie uprising, as it would interfere with personal liberty and responsibility. Plus, outsourcing traditionally public services to the private sector would make zombie extermination uncoordinated and expensive.
Cons: As an attractive a candidate as Mr. Paul is to the zombie constituency, he doesn’t have a chance at becoming President.
A zombie gets more of a selection by eating at a primary election; however, after the first few voters are devoured, the food supply will stop abruptly as news of a voter eating zombie spreads to the rest of the precinct. This is bad for two reasons: 1) you now have to find a new location and 2) your presence will discourage people from coming out and voting. Eating at a primary election hinders democracy.
Caucuses are better because you have a group of people stuck in a room until the end. This way, a politically minded zombie can get a good meal, and the voters still get their say. It’s a win-win for zombies and democracy.
Voting on The Issues
The Environment: Zombies are just as concerned about the environment as the living. Measures to reduce greenhouse gases need to be taken (heat speeds up decomposition, thus shortening a zombie’s undead life span). Green policies also ensure that the living are healthier, are eating more organic foods, and are breathing in less pollution. This enhances their taste and texture dramatically. The zombie presidential pick in this area is Barack Obama, since he has the most ambitious plan to address climate change.
The Housing Crisis: Houses are hard for a zombie to get into. You have to lumber around until you find a wide open screen door (part of natural zombie stiffening – it’s impossible to turn doorknobs) and then lumber in and hope there’s not a dog or a gun owner. The zombie presidential pick on this issue is John McCain because he’s the least likely to do anything to bail American home owners out, resulting in more homeless people and more meal chances for you.
Guns: A bullet to the head is the best way to put down a zombie, so naturally, zombies should support gun control. Hillary Clinton is the best zombie option on this issue; she supports the assault weapons ban, as well as several other gun control measures such as registration, background checks and trigger guard. Keep guns out of the hands of the living!
Education: Zombies thrive in populations that lack critical thinking and analytical skills. If your targeted meals can’t make quick decisions or perform basic deductive reasoning, they’re more likely to do something stupid like get stuck in a corner, and you’re more likely to eat brains for another day. John McCain, as the only candidate who supports No Child Left Behind, is the zombie presidential pick. His election would ensure that future generations of American children are taught only the robotic skills they need to pass standardized tests and not the critical and creative skills they need to evade hungry zombies.
After a close examination of the candidates and the issues, The National Organization of Zombies (NOZ) is pleased to announce our official endorsement of Hillary Clinton for the office of President of the United States. As an opponent of the war in the Middle East, Hillary will ensure that our meals stay nearby and are untrained for fighting off zombies. As an advocate for renewable energy and the greening of America, she provides the promise of a more temperate climate for our undead future. Her position on guns provides zombies with the security and confidence needed to enter any American home without fear of being shot in the head. Her education plan does little to address the real problems in the American public education system and guarantees slower future generations of the living, thus ensuring easy access to meals. Hillary Clinton is the best candidate for the continued survival and future prosperity of American zombies!
*The zombie opinions and endorsements expressed in this are not the opinions of the management or writers of Pink Raygun.
Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl.