Flash Gordon: Revolution Part Two

by Lisa Fary

The minds of Mongo have figured out how to open a rift to another world. They’ve figured rocket cycles. They’ve even figured out holographic messaging. But, the holographic message has to be delivered by a dude on foot? They haven’t figured the “send” button?

“Surrender or we’re gonna kill ya!” What kind of moron volunteers to take that message to a dictator with Ming’s temperament? Although, with Ming you have a 50/50 chance – he might cut your throat or he might throw you in a cell. And everyone escapes from those cells.

Too bad for Terek’s messenger, Ming was feeling especially pissy that day and killed the messenger.

With Terek’s creepy behavior in this episode, I was sure that the current Ming would be assassinated and we would learn that “Ming” wasn’t really name, but was a title, like “Caesar” in ancient Rome.

[nms:flash gordon,1,0]

How many times has a revolution like that actually led to liberation? Not many. So it wouldn’t be surprising for Terek to assume the title of “Ming” and take a turn for the tyrannical.

Terek already likes his standy uppy collars – it wouldn’t be a stretch for him to throw on something flashy and red. He also already has the goatee, the olive skin tone, and the longish face. With a shaved head, Terek would be a dead ringer for classic Ming.

So, what happened in the season finale? Flash gets his dad out of the recliner he’s been in for 13 years. Meanwhile, Dale brings Flash’s mom into the city, where they had the obligatory reunion moment. Thank god I had the foresight to buy a cheesecake at Trader Joe’s that afternoon. I was prepared for that venting of human drama.

While the Deviate army is beating down the doors of the city, most of the Patriot army is off in Frigia and Ming is largely defenseless. Never fear, Ming! The Blue Man Group will protect you and your city! Azura shows up with her loin cloth clad, spear wielding cult, offering Ming help in exchange for becoming his queen.

[nms:flash gordon,1,1]

The Blue Man Group proves to be just as ineffective as Ming’s usual Patriot soldiers and Ming finds it’s just him and a one-eyed guy who are remotely competent enough to fire a raygun.

Ming dramatically says, “Bring my battle gear,” and I imagined it wouldn’t be much different than the Patriot battle gear. But, maybe it would be red with subtle gold piping and he’d have a glossy black skull cap helmet.

Ming’s battle gear is black pajamas and a roost deflector. He looks like he’s going to a motocross slumber party. However, Ming clearly hasn’t been trained in proper slumber party etiquette because, instead of braiding his friend’s hair, he slices the guy’s hand open and rubs the blood on both of their faces.

Flash and the Free Mongo! team are able to skulk through the city and capture Ming. However, they’re too good to assassinate him on the spot, preferring to have him face justice.

Apparently on Mongo, justice is a gas chamber.

But, we know from Sam Jones and his leather briefs that Mongo’s gas chambers can be thwarted by a determined and horny girl. In the spirit of Max von Sydow’s Ming, Ming the Pissy escapes his via jewelry – an amulet given to him by Azura – which is left levitating in the gas chamber.

[nms:flash gordon,1,2]

Their mission complete, Flash and the Free Mongo! team power up the rift generator one last time – this time the core has been taken offline to prevent another environmental disaster and the generator has been set to self-destruct. The Free Mongo! team has 30 seconds to get through – Ma and Pa Flash get through with the Imex, then rogue members of the Blue Man Group attack.

When their 30 seconds are up, the rift generator implodes and Flash, Dale and Zarkov are stuck on the Mongo side of the rift.

“I guess the adventure isn’t over,” Flash says. And just as the screen fades to back, you can almost hear him say, “Please green light a second season.”

Here are my predictions for that possible second season:

Zarkov will build a holographic messaging network (Mongonet) that’s as effective as our internet, eliminating the need for on-foot messengers. Several angry, out of work on-foot messengers set out to assassinate Zarkov and destroy Mongonet (which really is a series of tubes) only to be thwarted by Baylin. Unfortunately, during the rescue, she finds the Baylin-shaped fembot Zarkov has been building in his spare time.

Zarkov is now unable to use the lower half of his body.

Luckily Captain Segway sets Zarkov up with a Segway of his very own and the two form a socially stunted hero duo, rolling around the planet providing tech-support for Mongonet users.

[nms:segway,1,0]

Dale will take Zarkov’s Winnebago on a dual-purpose Mongo road trip to bring free press to the cantons and to film a documentary which she hopes will restore her credibility as a journalist when she gets back to Earth.

Of course, no one on Earth believes her, but the Sci Fi Channel loves the concept and offers Dale a Sci Fi Original Series based on her adventure, for which the execs will approve no budget.

Ming, acknowledging his lack of mercilessness, uses Mongonet to enroll in an online course (Merciless Leadership – An Introduction for Beginners) with the Pink Raygun School for Girls (his username is “sexxypiccolo_player3″).

Flash will find a cure for that strangely aggressive personal itch he picked up that day in prison with Sam Jones.

For all my ranting and ruthless ripping on Flash Gordon at the beginning, I would like to see it get a second season, as long as it maintained the momentum of the past several episodes. However, since the Sci Fi Channel’s website hasn’t even loaded video of the season finale on Sci Fi Pulse (as of printing time), I’m guessing it doesn’t look too good for Flash and the Free Mongo! team.

Better luck on DVD and re-runs, Flash. If you get there.

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Lisa Fary is a graduate of the creative writing program at Florida State University and holds an advanced degree in Special Education. Her early exposure to classic Battlestar Galactica in 1979 is largely responsible for her lifelong interest in science fiction and her childhood ambition of being an intergalactic space cowgirl.