Ask an Amateur Scientist: Transcendental Meditation

I. The Setup

It’s amazing what a few illegal substances, a penchant for the sitar, and a severe case of Beach Boys envy can do to a band. Case in point: the Beatles. After Brian Wilson released “Pet Sounds” and wandered back to his bed for another few years, the Beatles felt a little put down. How could this surfer band from California create such a trippy masterpiece of musical production? Weren’t they all preoccupied with the bushiness of girls’ hair? So, the boys from Liverpool set out to tinker with their own sound. It’s still up for debate whether “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” matches the sheer brilliance of “Pet Sounds”, but there’s no argument that the “Sgt. Pepper” movie single-handedly killed the careers of both Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees. And for that, I thank it.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yes. Transcendental Meditation. You see, in their effort to free their minds and destroy any last bit of respect they had for each other, John, Paul, George, and the other guy traveled to India. The girls’ hair may not be bushy, but you can smoke just about everything that grows there. And the sitars can literally be plucked from the boughs of trees. Also, it’s easier than all crap to declare yourself a holy man and gain a following of impressionable young celebrities who really think flowers have a chance of saving the world. (Trivia note: Flowers now grow within the immediate proximity of Richard Nixon’s grave, thus bringing Flower Power full circle.)

One such self-declared holy dude was Mahesh Srivastava, better known around the world as Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, who died at the age of 91 earlier this week. The title of “Maharishi” translates to “great seer”, and there’s no doubt that Yogi saw great potential in Transcendental Meditation, his own special brand of turning on and tuning out. Or tuning within. Or whatever. After Yogi hooked up with the Beatles, the world started to take notice. And Yogi started raking in the cash. But just what is TM all about?

II. The Findings

Yogi was a student of physics, but there’s little evidence that he really understood it all that well. But he knew a good marketing ploy when he saw one. Combining Hindu mysticism with sciency-sounding mumbo jumbo, he came up with a new kind of registered trademark. For only several hundred dollars, Yogi generously offered to teach anyone the tricks of his newfound trade. Although TM may just look like a bunch of sitting and singing to yourself in secret code, it’s actually a bunch of sitting and singing to yourself in secret code with a TWIST! You see, TM promises not only to offer the kind of relaxing time wasting of regular meditation, but it also claims to tap you into the global “field consciousness” shared by all humanity. Through waves and particles and whatnot, you can TM your way into obtaining anything you desire, pacifying the world into a utopian wonderland, and even fly. You might have seen footage of TM-ers in the lotus position hopping around on their Pier 1 mats. Yes, that’s called Yogic flying. I should probably point out, though, that the official TM organization no longer claims that hopping on your knees is in any way similar to Supergirl-esque flight. However, they do make sure you know that following TM could lead to your developing similar super powers (called “sidhis”) in the future. Maybe. One day. You know, if you pay enough.

[nms:transcendental meditation,2,0]

And that’s the real rub of TM. It’s not so much a spiritual movement as it is a business. In the beginning, Yogi would offer TM retreats to celebrities for the donations and publicity. Coincidentally, that’s the same marketing trick used by the Church of Scientology. However, the star-studded excitement slowly began to fade. At one retreat, John Lennon caught Yogi putting the moves on a young Mia Farrow and loudly abandoned TM. He even wrote the song “Sexy Sadie” about Yogi’s lecherous ways. These days, director David Lynch seems to be TM’s most high-profile proponent, and after watching Inland Empire, we all know he’s perfectly sane.

But that hasn’t stopped Yogi from opening a TM college, Maharishi International University in Fairfield, Iowa. As of last year, a full course in TM costs about $2,700. Small price for awakening your consciousness to the blah blahs of the whatsit, if you ask me. TM claims followers in the millions, and some of them are quite vocal about its mystical wonders. Many TM-ers claim that cities with high concentrations of TM devotees have noticeably lower crime rates. This, strangely, is not supported by any facts whatsoever, but it sure sounds neat. They also claim that uniting meditators under one cause can shape the course of human events. To this end, there have been many worldwide meditate-a-thons for world peace. Hopefully one of these days, it just might have some effect.

III. The Conclusion

I hesitate to bad-mouth a dead man, though. After all, Yogi was kind of adorable. The media used to call him the “giggling guru” because of how often he would crack up during interviews. If I was raking in the cash with this kind of scam, I’d be giggling nonstop as well.

But TM isn’t all nonsense. It can reduce stress and make you feel nice and relaxed. But just sitting and staring at a wall will do that, too. And with the wall-staring you don’t have to suffer under the delusion that you’ll suddenly lift into the air and become one with everybody’s inner beauty. Best to just stay at home, save the couple grand, and put on your “Sgt. Pepper” album. I hear you can download it through iTunes now, though anything other than vinyl isn’t guaranteed to, like, free your mind, man.

And for more about TM’s wacky ways, check out Flim-Flam! by James Randi, which is always guaranteed to free your mind.

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About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.

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