So, a girl is feeling down about the fate of the Earth at the hands of an alien dictator who wants all our Snapple. Do you:
A) Bring up her dead fiance
B) Not bring up her dead fiance
C) Leave her in a service vent with Baylin and Zarkov while you go save Mongo
If you picked A and C, you must be Flash Gordon, and you must sense a spanking from a Mongo babe in your near future.
As soon as Flash runs off, Dale Arden is headed back to Earth to warn the public about Ming and his plans, because that’s totally going to go over well with the feds.
Dale, meet Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. They’d like to have a word with you.
Meanwhile, Flash visits the Skull Face Monks to discuss his place in their prophecy. Flash is sure he’s not the guy they’re looking for, but is willing to play the part if it means taking down Ming.
But, the monks have one more test for Flash. He must bring them. . .
. . . A SHRUBBERY!!!
Ok, not really. He has to thaw out Queen Freya of Frigia who has been frozen for the last twenty years (and not in a figurative sex therapy sense – she’s in an actual block of ice).
Because he’s Flash Gordon, upon arriving on Frigia he immediately meets a hot babe who happens to be riding a rocket cycle. They team up, but unfortunately do not fly blind on said rocket cycle. They do, however, poach ice and get themselves good and captured and taken to the Frigian capitol, where they meet the regent, Count Mallow.
You know Count Mallow is sinister because he has a vaguely British accent and a villainous beard.
While Flash and Mongo Pat Benatar (I can’t remember her name, but she looks like Pat Benatar-ish, which isn’t bad – I liked Pat Benatar in the 1980s, even though the “Love is a Battlefield” video made me cry – I was seven, so shut up) set out to rescue the Frigian queen, Baylin and Zarkov set out to look for Flash, and Dale sets out to get Mrs. Gordon’s support for her big Mongo reveal.
I can appreciate Dale’s idealistic vision, but I just can’t fathom the world in which she lives. Is her life a series of Anne Geddes posters and Debbie Gibson tracks where everything is cuddly and good always wins over evil?
Luckily for her, Mrs. Gordon puts some fear into Dale. . . at least enough for her to reconsider her plan to reveal Mongo to the world. There’s still time for her to go through with it in the next couple of weeks, but hopefully the Cigarette Smoking Man will dispatch some goons to take care of her.
Wrong show, I know. I can dream.
What’s going on with the Ming clan? Terek pounces on Ming while he’s getting a massage and underestimates the masseuse – she’s also a part time ninja. Ming, in a not so merciless act, throws Terek in jail, but not before their father-son bond is revealed.
Now that Ming knows that Aura knows that Terek knows, it’s time to get pissy. Ming confronts Aura and just kinda scolds her. Sure, he grabs her by throat and bends her over the balcony, but then he takes her to say goodbye to Terek in his cell.
Real threatening, Ming. Maybe you’ll take away her driver’s permit next.
Terek has escaped with Baylin and in an impotent rage, Ming shoots a buff prison guard. Barin’s disappeared, Vultan hasn’t been seen in a while, and now this guy gets killed. Buff dudes are about to become an endangered species on Mongo.
[nms:flash gordon,2,1]
Meanwhile, on Frigia. . . Flash and Mongo Pat Benatar enter the cavern of the ice worm to thaw out the queen. Baylin and Terek arrive just in time to snatch them from an icy doom and aid in the mission. Mongo Pat takes the opportunity to split while she’s still alive and Flash and the gang head back into the cavern.
Just as they’re about to thaw out the queen, Count Mallow makes good on his sinister accent and shows up to thwart the Free Mongo! Team, ordering them to be shackled and served up as lunch for the ice worm. Turns out Mallow is in a Halliburton-ish situation with Ming and isn’t ready to give up his power and money just to have the queen back.
I was dreading the appearance of the ice worm from the time it was mentioned – I was expecting leftover prop from Tremors sprayed with white Christmas tree flocking. But, I got an actual, good looking, CG ice worm.
While the Free Mongo! Team was shackled, Mongo Pat Benatar had a very Han Solo change of heart and came back when then team needed her. She took the opportunity to smack Flash on the ass before she unshackled him, though.
After the ass smack and defeat of the ice worm, Queen Freya is quickly defrosted and returned to her throne, where Flash learns that saving the girl means you also get to marry her.
Flash refuses the marriage offer, but does take the opportunity to start building the official Down with Ming! Army – Freya joins up, as does Mongo Pat Benatar, who turns out to be queen of the Triton canton.
And as if Ming’s day wasn’t going badly enough (he meets his son, his daughter betrays him, his prisoner escapes), Queen Freya shows up and announces that Frigia will do business with any canton that wants to trade for ice – except for Ming.
Ming’s solution? Stamping his foot and preparing for war.
Never miss an update. Subscribe to Pink Raygun by Email or subscribe via RSS
Related Stuff:
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
They canceled The Dresden Files and kept this on? I really really don’t get it.
What’s with the lame count with the fake British accent?
Ever notice how so many bad guys in Star Wars have British-y accents? I think the count was going that route.
That’s true. Although their accents are believable, and they can act, unlike the bearded count reading his lines. I hope the show gets better, it shouldn’t be on TV.