Warrior Princess 101 – Lesson 3: Birth of a Hero
with Professor of Fangeekonomics, Ms. Melissa Voelker
Reference Materials for today’s class:
Hercules the Legendary Journeys – episode #13 “Unchained Heart”
Today, class, we will look at the rebirth of the warrior princess from murderous harlot to noble hero. I would say it has been a long time in coming, but it really hasn’t. After only two previous episodes, the warlord Xena has turned over a new leaf and is ready to begin her life as a hero instead of a villain. After many moving and heart tugging (aka saccharine and preachy) speeches from Hercules, she has seen the error of her ways and is ready to atone for all of the naughty things she has done.
A summary of today’s reference material:
A group of happy, peaceful miners work and joke together before being attacked by a group of brutal warriors led by Darphus, the evil warlord who Xena supposedly killed. She knows nothing about his rise from the dead, as she is busy hanging with Hercules and listening to Salmoneus try to persuade the muscle bound hero that he needs his biography written. Their happy party is broken up by news that people are dying and Darphus is behind it. It takes no convincing for both Xena and Herc to set off in an attempt to stop him. Salmoneus tags along as well, obviously for comic relief.
The trio stops for an impromptu picnic and much happy banter ensues. Unfortunately Salmoneus finds himself ambushed while quail hunting, but fortunately it is just by Iolaus. He and Herc share a warm bonding moment as they haven’t seen each other in a while, and then Iolaus shares that he is looking for Xena as she is on the loose again. Seems he hasn’t heard about her change of heart (it did happen pretty fast.) Herc isn’t sure how to fill him in yet, either, which will undoubtedly lead to some awkwardness later.
Meanwhile Xena comes upon some of Darphus’ warriors looting a farm and quickly beats the dirt out of them (cause bad guys are always dirty.) One manages to escape and returns to tell Darphus that Xena is on her way, which he doesn’t look terribly worried about. Just as Iolaus isn’t too worried about anything as he and the other two men share roasted quail over a friendly fire. Xena returns in time to hear Herc try and explain to Iolaus that she has switched over from the dark side. As expected, it does not go well.
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Iolaus stalks off to have himself a pout, but Hercules runs after him to try and explain. Iolaus accuses him of thinking with his little warrior instead of his brain, and no matter what Hercules says he doesn’t believe the warrior woman can be trusted. He agrees to follow along and go up against Darphus, but continues to sulk. Only a very badly disguised ambush in a very ambushy looking rock canyon can draw him out of his Emo mood moment.
Darphus toasts his victory against Hercules and Xena, but of course the hero and his crew aren’t dead yet. Xena and Iolaus work to free the group from where they have been buried by an avalanche, while Salmoneus has a nervous breakdown. They all manage to escape intact, though now Salmoneus is having an Emo moment. Not that Herc and Xena notice, while they are having their own kind of special moment. Later that night Sal finds solace in slumber, Iolaus pouts some more, and Xena and Herc share some more special moments. She cries a little, he consoles a little. It’s sweet.
The next day Darphus urges his warriors on with promises of Ares’ favor. The god of war did bring the lord of bad hygiene (Darphus) back to life, after all, and gave him a giant man eating dog-beast, so he must be on his side. Herc and crew try to warn some diamond miners that Darphus is out to get them but they don’t want to believe it. When Darphus and his warriors ride into the encampment and start slaughtering people they are willing to be more open-minded. Xena tries to kill Darphus again but finds out that with Ares on his side he seems unstoppable.
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Eventually Darphus calls a retreat and runs off with his remaining men, and possibly Salmoneus. Iolaus and Xena see to the wounded while Herc goes looking for his wayward biographer. Alone for a moment, Xena and Iolaus take a minute to talk through some issues. Just as they decide to be friends Herc shows up to congratulate them on working through their differences. He tells them there is no sign of Salmoneus but he did find wagon tracks leading off in the direction of Darphus and his encampment. Speaking of Salmoneus, turns out he is a passenger on that wayward wagon which is headed in the very wrong direction.
As night approaches Iolaus goes off to scout ahead, leaving Herc and Xena to set up camp. They share some tender looks and it seems obvious where this is going. Shortly afterward they are sharing touchy feely feelings and just plain touchy feelies. While they are busy getting naked, Iolaus is busy actually doing his duty and spying into the village where Darphus is. He finds Salmoneus eating and laughing it up with the evil warlord and decides he needs to get back and warn Hercules right away. He returns to his companions – now done with their horizontal business – basking in the after glow of sexy sex.
Iolaus fills the lovers in on finding Salmoneus among Darphus’ men, as well as finding Ares monster pet as well, which Herc and his friend have run into before. They decide its time to pay a little visit to the undead warlord. Iolaus tries to create a diversion while Herc and Xena split up to do some butt-kicking. Darphus decides Salmoneus is not serving his purpose as hero bait so should be fed to the monster instead. It is, as usual in these cases, a very narrow escape for the would be biographer.
Darphus’ army is defeated with some good old fashioned ass-whooping, but he and his monster dog are another story. Xena goes head to head with Darphus while Hercules goes up against the beastie. Even Salmoneus finally grows a spine and helps Iolaus take out some of the warriors. In the end Darphus is destroyed when the monster eats him, and the beast is destroyed after ingesting the evil warlord.
Afterward Salmoneus heads out to Athens to write up Hercules’ celebrity biography and Iolaus decides it is time to head on home. Herc agrees to tag along but shares a tender moment with Xena first. Seems she is not continuing on with them, even after that great roll in the moss. She needs to become a hero on her own and make her own way, no matter how they feel about each other. Herc watches her ride off, knowing it is for the best (and managing to throw in yet another cliched one liner before the credits roll.)
As with the material referenced in the first class, we will not look too closely at the flaws in this episode of the Hercules series. We all can see that the special effects are below average, and Kevin Sorbo’s endless supply of moral speeches get very old very fast. Instead we will focus on the highlights of the “Unchained Heart,” which mainly center around Xena. She still isn’t quite the warrior princess we will come to know and love throughout the run of her own series (there is too much willingness to go along with Herc’s sugar coated philosophies) but she is getting there. She readily admits that she can’t be the kind of big-hearted hero that Hercules is. He is fighting in the memory of his dead family, while she is fighting for very different reasons. She was a bad guy, and she knows she was a bad guy, and now she wants to make up for that. She isn’t lying to herself about how hard that is going to be, which is part of the reason she makes the decision to head out on her own after defeating Darphus. Staying with Hercules would just get in the way of her doing what she needs to do for herself (and make her spin-off series improbable.)
Tonight’s Extra Credit Essay Answer Homework Assignment: Do you think more time should have been spent on Xena crossing over from bad guy to good guy before she took over her own show, or were you able to believe in her change of heart enough from just the few episodes she appeared in before her series began?
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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine – for now.
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..and thus the greatest female hero character of them all was born. Xena ftw! =)