“That was my virgin-alarm. It’s programmed to go off before you do!” - Dot Matrix

with Professor of Fangeekonomics, Ms. Melissa Voelker

Reference Materials for Today’s Class: Hercules the Legendary Journeys - episode #9 “The Warrior Princess”

Today’s class will center on how Xena set herself up as a bad ass warrior who did whatever it took to get what she wanted, but first a little introduction into how I personally became a fan of the warrior princess. Like most important happenings in my life, I can still remember the very first time I saw Xena. It was during my brief tenure as a babysitter (Professor Melissa + Small Children = Bad Idea) and because I babysat on nights my mom was away from home I had total control over what was on the TV. Hercules the Legendary Journeys had started airing about two months earlier and I was a regular watcher.

For a cheesy show with cheap special effects and contrived plot lines, it was at least a fantasy show with gods and goddesses and Amazons on occasion. It wasn’t my favorite program ever, but I liked it enough to tune in every week, so I was lucky enough to catch Xena the very first time she made an appearance (though this was not Lucy Lawless’ first appearance, as she had shown up earlier as an Amazon in the first Hercules TV movie and Lyla, a human lover to a centaur in the episode “As Darkness Falls.”) From that moment on, I was hooked. She was beautiful and deadly and I was thrilled when they brought her back again and again and then finally gave her a series of her own. No matter what any negative Nellies might say, Xena was a great role model for girls, and being a fan of her adventures led to some of my own greatest (and not greatest) adventures.

But we can’t start revisiting the phenomenon known as Xena and learning the important lessons that she can teach us by starting with the first episode of her series. We want to do it right and proper, so we will go back further to Hercules the Legendary Journeys, where a much darker warrior princess started out still fighting for the dark side.

A summary of today’s reference material: Hercules and his friend Iolaus spend some bonding time forging knives and chatting about how lonely Iolaus is. It must be hard being the short, goofy sidekick to the son of Zeus. After finding out a possible love interest is no longer on the market, a depressed Iolaus parts with Hercules and rides off for some alone time (as if he needs anymore alone time.) At the same time, a beautiful woman is jumped by some vicious looking warriors (well, they must be vicious because they are wearing all kinds of fur and leather and whisper in a menacing fashion.) Even though she is outnumbered, this lass knows how to take care of herself and makes short work of her attackers. Then it is revealed that this was a test, these are her men, and she is preparing them to take on a much bigger prize - Hercules.

As Iolaus rides forlornly down the road later, enter the lovely and devious warrior princess once again, though she has shelfed her human weapon act in order to seem sweet and approachable, just the answer to Iolaus’ prayers for companionship. Of course she is only using him to get at Hercules, who is standing in the way of her plans to dominate the region. She lures Iolaus out for drinks, then back to her bed for some lovin’, and before long he is panting to do whatever she wants him to. Seems she is pretty good at using her womanly ways to get men hot to do her bidding, like making one of her warriors agree to the suicidal act of ambushing Hercules in his mother’s barn. Xena convinces Iolaus to come with her to fight an “evil” warlord, then works to turn Iolaus against Hercules. She even convinces him to help her attack warriors she says are bad news, but who probably aren’t.

Discovering the truth about Xena after it is uttered by the dying ambusher’s last breath, Hercules follows after the warrior princess and Iolaus, hoping to talk some sense into his best friend. He is met with a very unfriendly reception after breaking up a steamy bath for two, then after deciding to leave Iolaus to his sexy fate, is set upon in a village tavern by citizens who want him to end Xena’s tyranny. He gets a large serving of facts about the warrior princess and makes the decision to help out, even though that pits him against Iolaus. Xena whispers more poison nothings into Iolaus’ ears, then uses her feminine charms to whip more of her soldiers into shape.

The next morning it looks like Iolaus may be starting to get a clue about his new girlfriend when he watches her ride out with one of her men without giving him any details about her mission. Xena and her Red Shirt companion ambush Hercules and it goes about as well as it did when the first whipped little warrior ambushed him, though this time it is Xena who kills her soldier when he tries to surrender to Hercules. Afterward that minxy lass roughs herself up and rides back to her lair to tell Iolaus that Hercules ambushed HER. Iolaus, being the lovesick puppy that he is, decides that he will have to kill his friend if Hercules shows up looking for Xena.

Of course Hercules does show up to confront Xena, and Iolaus picks a fight with him because all of his brains have gone South for the season and it has yet to occur to him what is really going on. Herc tries to talk reason into his little friend, and Iolaus tries to kill him. Their fight ends with both men throwing down their weapons so Xena calls on her warriors to take them both out. The men work together to kick some bad guy butt, and by the time Xena calls her men to run off with her, they are friends again.

For the sake of keeping this class on target, we won’t get into how hokey the set up was for this episode or how ridiculous it is that at one point Hercules and Iolaus were trying to kill each other and then minutes later they were laughing and joking as if it never happened. We are here for Xena and her Warrior Princess ways, so we will skip the hard to swallow points in Hercules’ show and move on.

The Xena who is first introduced to viewers is not a reformed bad guy on the path of trying to be a good guy. She lies, kills, sabotages, plots, and sends men out to their deaths. She is manipulative, sexy, dangerous, and hungry for power. And she is very, very good at being very, very bad. It is obvious from the start that she is a much darker character than Hercules and Iolaus; when she fights it is for real. The men leave their enemies running away, beaten but alive in most cases, but Xena isn’t that forgiving. Her sword is bloodied time and again, whether she is fighting for the good guys or for the bad. This is a Xena who doesn’t get to play anymore once she decides to be a hero, though glimpses of Bad Xena can be seen from time to time in later adventures. It is fun to see her in her bloodthirsty warlord stage, with no regrets and no remorse bogging her down yet. It would have been interesting to see what kind of show would have come about it the creators of Xena had let her stay a bad guy; would we have still come to love her as we did if she hadn’t been the dark, conflicted heroine searching for salvation?

Tonight’s Extra Credit Essay Answer Homework Assignment: What do you think, would Xena’s legion of fans have loved her if she had stayed a bad guy and continued on the path of naughtiness?

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About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine - for now.