Ask an Amateur Scientist: Chupacabra

I. The Setup

Earlier this year, Texas rancher Phylis Canion discovered the carcasses (carcassi?) of a few unusual looking creatures on the road outside her house. Although they were not covered in fur like a typical coyote would be, they shared a similar shape with the common coyote, a similar ear structure, a similar snout length, and looked in every other way exactly like a coyote. Obviously, these strange beasts were unlike any coyote Phylis had ever seen. She did what any reasonable person would do in her situation—she cut off a couple of the creatures’ heads and shoved them in her freezer before sending off some tissue for DNA testing.

All signs (except for the ones pointing to the fact that these were probably dead coyotes) pointed to the horrible truth that Phylis had recovered the first hard evidence of the legendary chupacabra—the terrifying “goat sucker” rumored to be killing off livestock throughout the American southwest and Latin America. You might remember the chupacabra from a particularly crappy episode of The X-Files where, due to budgetary constraints, the producers chose to forego building an expensive robot monster and instead slap some unconvincing makeup on the head of a Latino actor.

For decades, ranchers south of (and just over) the border have reported finding their goats, sheep, and cattle lying dead in the fields—drained of their blood and sporting puncture wounds. Could Phylis Canion have finally caught one?

[nms:chupacabra,4,0]

II. The Findings

Like most mythical creatures that don’t really exist, descriptions of the chupacabra vary. Some say it’s a bat-like creature with glowing red eyes and leathery wings. Others describe a spiny, hairy, rodent-like monster with glowing red eyes and leathery claws. Many believe them to be small humanoids with glowing red eyes and leathery skin. Truly the stuff of nightmares—right down to the glowing red eyes.

Here’s an amateur science tip: if someone describes seeing anything in the middle of the night with glowing red eyes, they probably didn’t actually see that thing. The chances of a real creature fitting the exact same physical description of a monster from a 1950’s atomic horror movie are next to nil. Any flesh and blood chupacabra would be just as likely to be wearing a cape and speaking with an eastern European accent.

Another nail in the coffin of the chupacabra’s existence comes from the simple but important fact that no one has ever caught one—either physically or on film. Unless the chupacabra is some kind of alien, extra-dimensional being (which many paranoid schizophrenics actually believe), it would necessarily have the same requirements of any other animal. There should be chupacabra footprints, dens, bones, and droppings. There would have to be enough chupacabras (chupacabrae?) to reproduce. There would be baby chupacabras roaming the night. (Aw…)

In fact, the only physical evidence here comes from the dead animals themselves. Obviously there’s no denying a blood-drained corpse. Still, there are several very common, very cuddly animals roaming the night with sharp teeth and a taste for blood. As they said in The Lion King, it’s the circle of life.

III. The Conclusion

Oddly, the DNA tests came back, and it turns out Phylis’ chupacabras were really coyotes all along. Their hairlessness was attributed to a nasty case of mange. Who’d have thought?

Well, maybe Phylis could have called the San Antonio rancher who in 2004 killed what he thought was a chupacabra but was later determined to be a mangy coyote. Later that same year, two other chupacabras were killed in the same area, and they were also identified as hairless coyotes.

The real mystery here isn’t whether there’s a supernatural goat sucker stalking North America’s deserts, but just what the hell is making all these coyotes catch the mange? That’s just gross.

About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.

Can’t get enough amateur science? Join Brian and his co-host Richard Peacock every week for The Amateur Scientist Podcast. This week, Brian and Richard interview John Safran about his show John Safran vs. God and conduct a science experiment involving the Piccadily Cafeteria. Get the Amateur Scientist Podcast here.

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