After watching 28 Weeks Later, I was in a funk, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the ending or because Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer was next on the viewing schedule. I only managed to get through 30 minutes of FF2 at the movie theater – I hoped that that small screen would snuff out some of the raging suckage. It didn’t. It just made it more socially acceptable to mock FF2 loudly while it was playing.
I had to have a back brace made in seventh grade; I had to lay perfectly still in a very uncomfortable position while strips of gauze were dipped in plaster and applied from my armpits all the way down past my hips to make the mold for the brace. That took about an hour and half. Fantastic Four 2 was also about an hour and a half and was considerably more boring and almost as uncomfortable as getting that back brace made, but without the benefit of straightening my spine.
Other than that, here’s a laundry list of reasons why Fantastic Four 2 is awful: the acting is bad, Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm have been turned into Bart and Homer, Sue Storm doesn’t act like a scientist (she acts like a stripper acting like a scientist), the bachelor party dance number with Mr. Fantastic’s stretchy arms, Jessica Alba’s make-up (she looked like Turnpike Hooker Barbie), the dialogue was lame, this Dr. Doom is less threatening than the new Ming the Merciless (they have an appointment to go to the man spa together and get waxed), Tim Story is either a bad director or has no control over anyone on his crew.
All this movie had going for it was the Silver Surfer and the Fantasticar. I wanted to walk out of the movie again, but I was at home, so that would have meant going outside and our fall garden has become very threatening. The pumpkin patch, which was supposed to be a couple square feet, has overtaken the patio furniture – I think it may be sentient and planning something…
When the pumpkin vines finally do attack, I hope John will at least try to save me rather than leave me to be pumpkin feed so he can get away like Robert Carlyle’s character did in 28 Weeks Later.
When a guy abandons his wife to a room full of the infected without even trying to save her, it sets a certain tone for the movie – pitch freaking black. And that’s what 28 Weeks Later is: one horrible event after another.
Everything 28 Days Later did, 28 Weeks Later does on a bigger scale. 28 Days Later has a girl hacking the infected with a machete. 28 Weeks Later has a guy hacking the infected with his helicopter blades. 28 Days Later has the British military trying to turn women into sex slaves. 28 Weeks Later has the US military indiscriminately opening fire on everything that moves and firebombing London.
Even it’s hopelessness is bigger. It grows not only with every brutal character death, but also with every second the little boy lives because he can really screw up the entire world. I can’t remember another movie in which a surviving kid filled me with a such sense of dread. As Michael from Lost flew his helicopter over the English Channel, all I could think was, “Someone needs to shoot that kid in the head.”
And all of this because you kids wanted to get a picture of your mom. Hope you self-entitled punks are happy.
28 Weeks Later wins this round. I hope I never have to watch Fantastic Four 2 again.
Tournament Prize Pack So Far…
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
