Bionic Woman: Face Off

By Melissa Voelker
I’ve decided to watch the show this week as if I’ve never seen it before. The slate is wiped clean and I’m ready to pretend I have no previous opinions or thoughts about The Bionic Woman. I’m going to take deep, calming, cleansing breaths, put a smile on my face, and settle in for what I hope will be an enjoyable hour of television viewing. But just in case this proves to be a difficult task to accomplish and I start to lose my hold on peace and happiness, I will merely take more breaths and count backwards from 10 until my mind is clear again.

The episode starts off with some full on action, as Jamie busts a toe chasing down her wayward little sister Becca and a boy toy she is playing with in a parked car. Nathan the tech fixes it for her, all while managing to be snarky, smart, and kinda cute. Jamie complains about Becca’s behavior, which led her to break the tiny appendage in the first place. But Nathan verbally berates her; emotional girly talk time just isn’t his thing. Elsewhere in Bionicville, Sarah plays cards with some random thugs until her ex-lover Jae (previously Agent Kung-Fu, but I’m not calling him that today as this is my fresh start) busts in and breaks up the fun. Sarah is taken into custody but she doesn’t look too overly concerned about it.

Bionic Woman - Face Off So far so good on this episode. Jamie breaking her toe from landing on her implants too roughly was a good shot of realism, and the fight she had with Becca after pulling her from the love mobile was pretty spot on. The handling of the fact that the anthracites didn’t heal her when they should have made me really happy. The writers caught their own problem plot point and gave a reason for it. Bravo writers!

The dialogue has been pretty sharp tonight as well. I have yet to cringe or count back from 10. Nice. Unfortunately, the actress who plays Becca isn’t terribly good at her job. You can actually see her at moments trying to remember her lines, her eyelids blinking rapidly as she mentally forces her mind to give them up for her. Oh well, it is one small hiccup in an otherwise smooth beginning.

Jamie and Antonio (Bookstore Guy, remember I’m giving them a new chance at life with their real character names) head off on a mission to save a CIA hostage being held by terrorists in Paraguay. At the same time, Sarah is being held at Berkut (the Agency), having some tests done and still raising a little hell. Basically what she does best, besides killing people in psychotic fits. Jonas (Shan-Yu) has a chat with her, offering to save her life if she will cough up Will’s villain father, but she isn’t playing his games.

It turns out Jamie is terrified of flying, so the fact that she is on a plane headed to another country is kinda freaking her out. To keep her mind off her panic attacks, she and Antonio have a heart-to-heart. She reveals how naïve about life, the universe, and everything she really is. In fact it is almost sad how strong her desire to be open and honest about everything is. She is a secret agent for a ‘clandestine’ government organization. Being open and honest about everything just isn’t in the cards for her anymore.

Upon arriving in Paraguay and hooking up with their covert liaison, Jamie and Antonio gather some Intel on their targets and the fact that Paraguay has no law against terrorists is reiterated for any of us who missed it being stated the first time. And what is this “You Americans know everything about handling foreign issues” garbage? Um, sure, since when exactly? Jamie’s trust looks like it may have been misplaced when Antonio gets them captured by the bad guys, or does he have a secret plan he wasn’t ‘open and honest’ about? That could happen, cause he’s a secret agent and it was a secret plan.

Bionic Woman - Face Off Jae tells Jonas to help Sarah, but Jonas won’t budge on that issue until Will’s dad is apprehended. It looks like the staring contest between Sarah and Jonas will continue until someone finally blinks, or Sarah attempts a daring escape.

The terrorists drag Jamie and Antonio deeper into their lair and Antonio reveals that he got them caught on purpose in order to be led to the hostage, Dr. Stevens. They are brought into an office where Stevens is forced to hook up a flash drive to a computer, as the terrorists want the information it contains. Antonio orders Jamie to start kicking some ass and for once she truly goes for it with all her bionic might.

Jae tries to reason with Sarah, but she doesn’t trust Jonas as far as even she could throw him, and isn’t too sure about Jae either. Trust seems to be the main theme of tonight’s very special episode, and writers are kind enough to remind the viewers of it every few minutes (just in case we weren’t paying attention or fell asleep or are just plain morons.)

Antonio pulls a nasty and threatens to kill Stevens, who not only deciphered the secret flash drive but read the data it contains as well. It was all about the $50 Million Dollar Woman Jamie Sommers and her nifty new parts, facts that just aren’t safe for someone like Stevens to know. Jamie rescues him, though Antonio warns her it is a mistake. While escaping more terrorists, Jamie gets shot, but still manages to flee with Dr. Stevens.

Okay, well, hrm. So this secret info just happens to be about Jamie? And Antonio really believed she would go along with killing the person she was sent to save? Um, what?

What?

Okay, 10…9…8…7…6…

I’m okay, it’s not so bad. Just a few little points of contention. I can get past them, because I am a whole new viewer and this is a whole new night. Yes, okay, moving on.

Is there a little musical sound that plays when Jamie uses her bionics? I though I heard it when she used her bionic arm to tear open a padlock. Maybe I’m just hearing things. Please let me just be hearing things.

Bionic Woman - Face Off Jamie and Stevens hide out in an abandoned building and he checks out her wound to see if he can fix it up. Luckily for her he is not only a spy but also a medical professional. Pretty convenient when you think about it. While the hunky doctor patches her up, Antonio and Jonas have an argument about just how non-expendable Jamie is. Jonas is pissed that not only did he lose the flash drive and the hostage, but Antonio lost that oh-so-important $50 Million Dollar Real Doll – I mean woman.

And oops, Becca just found out that Jamie has been lying about a few things, like going on vacation with her friend Carly who just happened to show up at the apartment looking to return some shoes. Too bad Jamie isn’t smart enough to confirm her alibi with the person she has created that alibi around.

Jae searches out proof that Jonas has technology that can help Sarah, but that information is located in only one place and that happens to be . . . the flash drive in Paraguay! I should be shocked but I’m not. Even in my new and improved viewer state.

Jamie and Stevens bond over the surgery to remove the bullet lodged in her arm. He shares, she shares, it’s precious. He knows a lot about bionics for someone who just ‘read’ that flash drive. Like how her implants are going to fail within a matter of years and how she is going to die rather young. Dun dun duuuuuuuuunnnnn!

Ugh. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…

I’m back to calm in time for some psychoanalysis Dr. Ruth (Agent Bottle-Blonde) tries on Sarah. She still doesn’t want to play their reindeer games. Ruth spews some nonsense at her, and she just spews it right back. Jamie and her own doctor look like they are getting along a lot better, sharing a brief tender moment before having to escape an invasion by Antonio. Jae returns to Sarah for a little tenderness but she escapes her restraints and takes him hostage. Once again she is on the loose because the Berkut Agency SUCKS at security. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!

Antonio comes calling for Jamie and she meets him head on, putting up a fight for her sweet new doctor friend. It is surprising just how much energy she has, considering she was so recently on death’s door. And she and Antonio were getting along so well at the beginning of their doomed mission, it’s a shame they are now ready to kick each other’s asses. Stevens escapes while Jamie fights for his life. Do I smell something hinky here in his abrupt disappearance? I’m thinking yes, and it is not just because my tortoise has gas.

Ugh again…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…

Focus on the calm; remember the clean slate and the calm. Even after everything she has put him through and done to him, Jae wants to know if Sarah is going to die. Jonas doesn’t sugar coat things but gives him the honest truth. Sarah returns to her old tricks, meeting up with a random semi-hottie in a bar and dragging him off for a little naked time. She may be dying, but she isn’t through living yet. When Jamie returns to Berkut she corners Jonas about the bionic death disease and how she knows that she only has five years to live. She is pissed he has been lying to her, and amazingly enough he presents a glimpse of his heart and promises her he will fix things.

Jamie returns home to Becca, who knows there has been some lying going on. Her patented fake crying ensues, leading to more of this talk about trust. What is it with trust and these two women? Who in the world talks about it this much? It is like an obsession with them. I suppose it is kind of noble, but it is also kind of stupid.

The relationship between the sisters certainly improved in this episode, and the dialogue has gotten a lot better. But while the beginning rocked my world, the second half so incredibly didn’t. Maybe next week I’ll be treated to a whole 3/4ths of goodness, and who knows, maybe by the sixth episode it will be great from start to finish!

Tonight’s Recap for the Kiddies:
Hilarious Moments in Quasi-Parenting – 1
Wounds the Amazing Bionics/Anthracites Surprisingly Couldn’t Cure – 2
Scenes with my Fave Tech Nathan – sadly only 1
Terrorist Hideouts Utilizing Lasers that My Boyfriend Found Totally Stupid – 1
Times it was Mentioned That Jamie Cost $50 Million to Rebuild (When it Wasn’t Really Necessary to do so) – 3 I think
Times I Forgot I Was Supposed to be Pretending This Show Could Still be Totally Awesome – Too Many to List

About Melissa: By day a mild-mannered tv station receptionist, by night a fighter of crime and corruption in the dirty streets of Spokane, WA . . . or maybe not so much. More like a
hyperactive, anal-retentive daytime receptionist and a melodramatic, hyperactive nighttime fangirl who only wishes she could be a fighter of crime and champion of justice (except that would lead to getting my super costume all dirty and I hate doing laundry.) Though my intent has always been to write bestselling novels and live a life of wealth and luxury, putting my talents for snarkiness and word doodling together while letting my geek flag fly suits me just fine – for now.

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