Buffy for Beginners 2.11: Ted

By Sabrina Boyer
I never imagined John Ritter as a creepy stepfather-type, but man does he pull it off in this episode. And he’s a robot to boot! (no pun intended). Aw, poor Joyce. What’s a single mom to do?

Buffy - Ted As the episode opens, the scoobies are walking home debating who was really in charge, the Captain or Tenille. They’ve had a mellow time since Dru and Spike were “killed” and as they walk in to the Buffster’s house, Buffy’s spidey sense tingles and she bursts into the kitchen only to see Joyce making out. With Ted. Ew. Buffy is less than psyched, but Xander and Willow are overjoyed at his free upgrades and stellar pizzas. Well gosh, Ted seems to be a bit of a foreshadowing of the Mayor’s creepiness.

We see that Buffy is totally not fine as she beats the fang out of random vamp as Giles quips from the sidelines “it’s really staking time, don’t you think?” Vampires are creeps. That is why one slays them. Buffy’s subtext here is rapidly becoming text as she uses vamps as a metaphor for Ted taking over her kitchen, her mother, and pizza.

There’s something a little too clean about Ted the clown, and Xan thinks Buffy’s having parental issues a la Freud. “Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapyland.” Buffy is suspicious of Ted as he invites her and the Scoobies to minature golf complete with mini-pizzas and cookies. He’s like the witch in Hansel and Gretal, luring them to the dark side with sweets and cheese (sidenote: Giles goes by to see how Jenny’s doing, but she still needs space). Oh, and Angel convinces Buffy to give Ted a chance.

Later on at mini-golf at the dreaded high-powered coo coo clock, Ted gets a little curious about “Bookcracker Buffy” and her grades; he’s hoping they’ll pick up soon. He doesn’t mean to overstep his bounds but ‘right is right.’ What exactly does that mean? As Buffy retrieves her ball from behind the clock, she cheats and is caught by Ted. The creepiness factor goes up ten points as he begins to get angry, beat his leg with his golf stick, and threatens to slap that smirk off Buffy’s face.

As Buffy confronts her mom about what happened with Ted, Joyce dismisses her accusations and sides with Ted. As a precaution, Buffy asks Will to check out Ted as Xan chases after Cordy who he’s secretly sort of..kissing. Seeing. Will agrees to help after Buffy associates her mom with the Stepford Wives. Buffy checks out Ted’s workplace and finds out he’s perfect in every way; top salesperson, clean freak, keeps to himself. Oh, and he has a picture of Joyce, with Buffy cut out, on his desk and he’s planned a wedding two months from now. Psy—cho!

Later that night at dinner, Ted proposes to Joyce (indirectly) and Buffy responds with she’s feel like killing herself. Ted is a Stepford husband, it seems, and Buffy’s excused to her room. Ted meets her up there after Buffy sneaks out to slay vamps. They start wailing on each other which tragically ends with Ted dead at the bottom of the steps. After a length police interrogation and a depressed day at school the next morning, Xan, and Will figure out that Ted’s cookies are spiked with happy pills, and Buffy heads back to her house only to have Ted show up to exact revenge. Turns out Ted is a robot!

Buffy - Ted Will, Xan and Cordy find Ted’s address and his creepy lair of dead wives. He’s not only the president of the dead wives club, he’s also a client. Turns out he’s had multiple wives and is a 1950s crazy who believes in gender stereotypes, domestic violence and all that was bad during that period (was there anything good?). Oh, and he’s kept his four wives in the closet. Cra…..zy!

All is well when Buffy destroys Ted with a cast-iron skillet as Joyce and Buffy Thelma and Louise it, we learn that Ted’s builder was Ted who designed and created a robot in his own image in order to stay married forever. Oh, and Buffy almost walks in on Giles and Jenny kissing (yay!). What is it with grown-ups these days?

About Sabrina: As a kid my dad would sneak scary movies past my mom and let me indulge in his horror movie fetish. I grew up watching V, Alien Nation, The Thing, The Fog (all originals) and then, in 1992 when Buffy the movie came out, I became obsessed with vampires, girl power, and all things gothic. I once stayed home from school, faked sick, and watched BTVS: the movie 6 times in a row. I know the beginning cheerleading dance by heart (still). Currently, I’m obsessing over Laurell K. Hamilton novels, and dream about Anita Blake being my best friend.

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