“At ease, Ensign, before you sprain something” - Janeway

by Juliana Weiss

When people tell you stories about Hollywood, you have to wonder: is it really that bad? After only a brief stay in Lala Land, you can confirm for yourself. I once heard an exec describe the entertainment industry as a Gold Rush–and I cannot think of a more apt description. You start out a nobody, barely making ends meet, the lowest of the low. But, if you hit the mother lode, you’re upgrading your slummy one-bedroom for an estate in the hills and agencies are vying to represent you. Some get their dream career almost overnight. But for most, it takes dedication, patience, and a whole lot of disappointment.

The common denominators I have found in all success stories? Hard work and persistence. You have to wade through the craziness and the desperation until you find a nice place to start your career. But it’s always hard to tell exactly where it is okay to sit down for a while and stretch your legs. The common Hollywood dilemma: stay with the tried-and-true or go out and search for the next best thing.

My first job in Los Angeles was a temp position at a legal firm, a dead-silent office where men and women with blank faces and serious demeanors strode in and out with barely a glance in my direction. The only noise was the wafting sounds of Boys II Men coming from the back room. I hated it, but I must have done something to impress them. After a week, they wanted to double my rate and start training me to be a legal secretary, so I did what any rational human would do when offered a stable job with a raise in pay and comprehensive benefits: I quit.

I had a better opportunity, one that would launch my career to the moon: an unpaid producer’s assistant gig on Sunset Blvd. On my first day, the other assistant assured me that this was the place to be. Since he came to LA, he had jumped from one demeaning temp gig to another; this was by far the most promising situation. This upstart producer/manager was on the brink of getting something made. His client was a well-known sports star just dying to become the next big action hero. When the star strode into the office for the first time, I remember thinking that I had struck gold! And so early!

The producer promised that the second he got the green light and the bucks started rolling in, we would be back-paid for all our time. We would get a credit on the movie. He would find us a better position. The energy in the office was palpable. The staff of unpaid assistants slowly expanded. Phone calls streamed in from big name screenwriters, rap singers, recognizable actors, even senators.

The producer knew how to play the game. We had to look big-like we were somebody. When an important call rang in, we’d answer it at the front desk, and then someone would run to his office to pretend they were his personal assistant screening calls. He’d put people on hold for a few minutes to make them think he was just that busy.

I shook hands with stars. I chatted with celebrities. I was hobnobbing with Hollywood.

That’s when things started to get weird.

Just how weird? Check back next time to discover the connection between Trinidadian Calypso folk songs and Scott Baio.

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Juliana Weiss is an aspiring Television writer in Los Angeles. She currently works as the head of the web content department for the star of an Emmy-nominated reality series. In this column, she will share with you her experiences, thoughts, and theories about making it in the business, as well as the stories of other women who are working to make it-or have already made it-in Hollywood.