I. The Setup
So, I injured my wrist the other day. It’s not important how I did it, so don’t ask. I just sometimes use my wrist for stuff. No big deal. Anyway, it still hurts. Today I tried to use it again, and I could barely get my… Well, whatever. The important thing here is that my wrist is in pain.
Would you believe me if I said I fell down the stairs?
My girlfriend dumps all the pills in our house into an Altoids tin she carries in her purse. I could dig around in there for an Advil, but I’m likely to pull back something meant to soothe my ovaries. Or whatever women take pills for. So, I got online and looked up some alternative therapies for chronic pain. Wouldn’t you know it, but there are a ton of places selling magnetized bracelets just for my kind of problem. Not only do they claim to ease aches and pains, but they also stimulate the blood flow. My medical degree came from the University of Phoenix Online, so I have no idea what blood flow has to do with pain, but those bracelets sure do sound good. And their quasi-Celtic aesthetic would really suit any of my Renaissance fair costumes.
And I don’t even have to stop at the wrist. I can also order magnetized mattress pads, insoles, earrings, and hats. I thought magnets were only good for holding up Chinese take-out menus, but apparently they’re a modern medical miracle.
Of course, my amateur scientist’s training tells me to always be wary of something that seems too good to be true. Or too silly to be real. So, let’s pry open that gift horse’s mouth and check for cavities.
[nms:magnet,4,0]
II. The Findings
The one thing you’ll notice in any explanation of the medical benefits of magnetism is that none of them make a whole lot of sense. There’s a lot of talk about “energy”. Often, alternative medicine practitioners and other dimwits will talk about illnesses and pain as being the result of some kind of “imbalance”—be it an “imbalance” of “energy”, “chi”, or some other nonsense. The magnets, they claim, help solve the “imbalance”. However, used like this, these words have no meaning whatsoever. In the context of magnet therapy, “energy” is about as scientific a term as “gremlin”.
The most scientific claim you’re likely to find is that the magnets have an effect on the iron in blood. How pulling iron through the blood stream might alleviate any physical pain is a mystery, but before even thinking it out that far, we should determine whether the iron in the blood is even ferromagnetic. Turns out not. The iron found in the hemoglobin of red blood cells is in an ionized form, and isn’t affected at all by magnetic fields.
You’re also likely to see testimonials from people who claim to have benefited from magnetic jewelry. These include statements from a few notable sports figures, but I won’t mention them by name since Dan Marino’s been embarrassed enough. Still, a testimonial is worthless when held against the actual testing of claims. People may experience pain that goes away after they use magnets, but that doesn’t mean the magnets had anything to do with it. There’s no accounting for placebo effect or the very real possibility that the pain would have subsided on its own. The fact is that the medical literature just doesn’t support any of the claims made by believers in magnet therapy.
III. The Conclusion
So what am I going to do? I’ve got an armload of magnetized copper, and now I know it’s all worthless. Lord knows I’m not going to stop doing that thing I do that hurt my wrist in the first place, but with all this magnet therapy nonsense cluttering Google, how am I supposed to find a real solution to my problem? I’d sure like to get my aching hands on the a$$hole who first came up with this crap.
Unfortunately, he’s dead. In 1781, a Scottish physician named Dr. James Graham (pictured here being a letch) thought he could cure everything from chronic pain to impotence with magnets and electricity. He opened a place called the Temple of Health in London where, for five hundred pounds a night, patients could sit on “magnetic thrones”, shock themselves in electric chairs, and be attended by African servants. But Dr. Graham’s prize therapy was his magnetized “Celestial Bed”—advertised as “continually pouring forth in an everlasting circle” a flow of magnetic energy. Childless couples were supposed to be energized into a baby-making frenzy by the bed, but it didn’t work. Neither did anything else in the Temple. Dr. Graham ended up dying in an Edinburgh lunatic asylum.
Ah well.
About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.
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Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university and a regular blogger at CHUD. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years. 
