Ask an Amateur Scientist: The Crystal Skull
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFireflyI. The Setup
What did you think when you first heard the new Indiana Jones movie was going to be called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Maybe you felt that gag reflex we all remember after first hearing the words “phantom menace”. Maybe you wondered just how many lemons a geriatric Harrison Ford will have to suck to maintain his puckered “intense” face. Maybe you slowly shook your head and mumbled to yourself, “They chose poorly.”
Or maybe, like me, you groaned and jotted another line in your amateur science notebook: “Damn it, they’re going to bring up those crystal skulls again.” You see, the crystal skull phenomenon has been plaguing the world of woo-woo and pseudoscience for years now. I first remember Arthur C. Clarke telling me about them on his TV show Mysterious World. He even used a crystal skull image to open every show. But they seemed to have faded from the public consciousness. The zeitgeist apparently shifted toward UFOs, the New World Order, and that sexy Latin sensation, el chupacabra.
But every time I think I’m out, that bloated bastard George Lucas just drags me back in. You know, one of these days I’m going to stop giving that man my money. As soon as I complete my collection of Willow collector’s plates from the Franklin Mint.
So what’s this about crystal skulls? Follow me.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -DVD
 | US $7.99 (1 Bid) End Date: Wednesday Jan-07-2009 6:15:53 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (...
 | US $14.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Wednesday Jan-07-2009 6:52:33 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
2.0"Crystal Skull/Skeleton Carving,
 | US $8.99 (0 Bid) End Date: Wednesday Jan-07-2009 6:58:20 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
INDIANA JONES KINGDOM CRYSTAL SKULL BLU-RAY DISC
 | US $12.29 (2 Bids) End Date: Wednesday Jan-07-2009 7:19:54 PST Bid now | Add to watch list |
II. The Findings
Today, you can go on eBay and find any number of “crystal” skulls. Some are really carved from quartz crystal, some aren’t. They’ve become a kind of New Age trinket—the sort of ugly knick-knack a buxom milkmaid might try and peddle to you at a Renaissance fair. The common misconception among the less skeptically minded is that these skulls carry with them all sorts of mystical mumbo jumbo, since they’re copies of skulls produced by the Aztecs and other early Mesoamerican cultures. Nevermind all the human sacrifice; there are plenty of people who automatically read metaphysical know-how into anything Mayan or Aztec. They think the skulls have healing powers, are centers of swirling psychic energy, and—most mysteriously of all—emit weird noises.
The fact is, there are really two people to blame for all this. Adventurer F.A. Mitchell-Hedges and his adopted daughter Anna. While exploring a collapsed temple in 1926 Belize, Anna claimed she discovered a perfect replica of a human skull carved from a single piece of quartz and buried under a ruined altar. The skull came to be known as the Mitchell-Hedges skull (or the “Skull of Doom”, since misfortune supposedly befell all those who came into contact with it). It’s an impressive carving, to be sure. The jawbone even detaches. In his 1954 autobiography Danger is My Ally (which, all things considered, is kind of an awesome title), F.A. Mitchell-Hedges mentions the skull for the first time. He wrote that “it is at least 3,600 years old and according to legend was used by the High Priest of the Maya when performing esoteric rights. It is said that when he willed death with the help of the skull, death invariably followed”.
But here’s the thing. While the Mayans and Aztecs did, in fact, carve stone and crystal skulls, they were highly stylized in the fashion of other Mesoamerican art—not perfect replicas. Also, when Mitchell-Hedges writes “according to legend”, he really means “according to my imagination”. You see, Mitchell-Hedges was in Belize in the first place to uncover what he believed to be the ruins of Atlantis. Let’s just forget for now that there’s no record his daughter Anna ever accompanied him on this expedition and focus instead on the fact that after they began promoting the skull, they never once argued with anyone willing to believe that the skull came from Atlantis itself.
In 1970, an art restorer named Frank Dorland claimed to have the skull tested at the Hewlett-Packard labs, though there’s no record of this ever happening, either. According to his imaginary tests, the skull bears no sign of being carved with tools. This led Dorland to conclude that the skull must be a very ancient mystical artifact, and that it had been carried around during the crusades by a Knight Templar riding a unicorn.
I’m not making that up.
But the Mitchell-Hedges family sure seems to have made up everything they said about the skull. Not only did Anna probably not uncover the skull in a ruined temple, but investigator and author Joe Nickell uncovered evidence that F.A. actually purchased the skull in 1943. In his book Secrets of the Supernatural, Nickell produces a 1933 letter from a man named Sidney Burney to the American Museum of Natural History wherein he references owning a skull very similar to the Mitchell-Hedges one. Also, Nickell uncovered records of the skull being but up for auction by Burney at Sotheby’s. The Museum of Mankind bid on it, though Burney ultimately sold it privately to Mitchell-Hedges.
Anna claims that her father had pawned the skull to Burney in order to fund an archaeological expedition, and later bought it back from Burney after repaying his debt. There’s no record of this. Regardless, though, the conspiracy train keeps on rolling. One common bit of speculation is that R.A. received the skull during his initiation into a secret society (probably the Freemasons, those sneaky bastards) and had to lie about its origins for his own safety.
III. The Conclusion
One of the Mitchell-Hedges’ claims to the mystical nature of the Skull of Doom is that its intricacies are just too perfect to copy. However, numerous copies of the skull have been made, and their imperfection hasn’t stopped many true believers from imbuing the reproductions with the same powers as the original (minus the death thing, of course, since who wants that kind of thing sitting atop their computer monitor?). The case of the crystal skull is a textbook example of mythmaking spinning out of control. Anna Mitchell-Hedges herself has even tacked on a little more to the story—claiming now that the skull originally came from outer space and was passed down to the Atlanteans, who passed it down to the Mayans.
In any case, one wonders how this skull will tie in to the new Indiana Jones film. Will Harrison Ford use the skull’s deathly powers to finally kill one of his most recognizable characters and save himself the indignity of even more diminishing returns? Find out May, 2008!
About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.
Never miss an update. Subscribe to Pink Raygun by Email or subscribe via RSS
Stumble it!
