Ask an Amateur Scientist: Zombies
Star TrekStargate:AtlantisFireflyI. The Setup
It took me a while to get around to watching Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead. I felt a certain loyalty to the original - like if I watched the remake, I might look over my shoulder and see George Romero quietly sobbing behind his four-inch thick glasses. Also, the zombies can run now? That’s just stupid. When I bought Shaun of the Dead on DVD, it came with a free copy of the new Dawn. But even a gift with purchase couldn’t force me to sit down and watch the thing. I gave it away to a friend. Sure, the “do you really want to do this?” look she gave me upon accepting my freebie gift made me pause. She’d seen the movie and liked it so much that she seemed suspicious anyone would just be giving it away. Still, I’d gotten the same look from my best friend in elementary school when I gave him my unopened birthday present copy of Nintendo’s Goonies II. He seemed so shocked, I later borrowed it from him with no intention of giving it back. After playing it, I thought about apologizing for giving it to him.
What was I talking about? Oh yes. So, I finally broke down and watched the new Dawn of the Dead on cable. That thing rocks. Have you seen it? The zombies can run now! I understand why the world seems to have caught zombie fever. Everywhere you look, there’s a new zombie movie or comic book or Sci-Fi Channel original. It seems zombie screenplays are chomping into regular screenplays and turning them into zombie movies, too. Zombies are so popular, they’ve even raised Harrison Ford from the dead for a new Indiana Jones movie.
But this is supposed to be a debunking column, right? No one really believes in zombies anymore. Well, Sherman, let’s step into the WABAC machine and visit some times in the past when zombiefication took a front row seat in the minds of the living.
Vintage Zombie Eerie Softhead Monster Pez No Feet
 | US 3.50 (9 Bids) End Date: Saturday Jul-04-2009 16:55:46 PDT Buy It Now for only: US 0.00 Bid now | Buy it now | Add to watch list |
HelloGoodbye Concert Poster Zombies! Aliens! Dinosaurs!
 | US .99 End Date: Saturday Jul-04-2009 16:57:03 PDT Buy It Now for only: US .99 Buy it now | Add to watch list |
HelloGoodbye Promo Poster . Zombies Aliens Vampires
 | US .99 End Date: Saturday Jul-04-2009 16:57:06 PDT Buy It Now for only: US .99 Buy it now | Add to watch list |
Zombies Ate My Neighbors (Super Nintendo)
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II. The Findings
Far eastern countries protected themselves from zombie attacks by popularizing cremation. Setting the dead on fire originally served two purposes - the soul could hitch a ride to the afterlife on the flames and smoke, and there was no way the charred cremains would ever hop up and walk (or run) again. But the Christian West took a while to jump on the cremation bandwagon. After all, the Bible is all about zombies: saying that the dead will be resurrected during the end times. Also, you know, Jesus was kind of a zombie. Which is why medieval morons burned witches at the stake - so their bodies couldn’t rise from the grave. In 1884, a Welshman named Dr. William Price (who believed himself to be an arch-Druid, and not in a D&D way) cremated his son. He was prosecuted for the crime, but the judge ruled that cremation should be legal, provided it caused no harm to others. Since then, cremation has become much more accepted in the West.
For an unknown period of time around the Middle Ages, Eastern Europeans would often bury their dead with a stake through their hearts - just in case of an unwanted return from the grave. Why a vampire or any other kind of zombie couldn’t just reach over and pull the stake out, I have no idea. Still, it’s about peace of mind. Until 1823, English suicides were ordered by law to be buried at a crossroads off of consecrated ground with a stake through their hearts as well. This was because it was believed that they would rise from the dead to torment the living. The English, though, thought about the whole stake removal thing, so the crossroads would hopefully confuse the vengeance zombie enough to keep it from finding its way back home.
The tombstone itself was once considered a multi-purpose anti-zombie device. Not only did it clearly mark a grave so that one could check and see if grandpa’s zombie corpse has gone missing, but it also provided a nice and sturdy barrier between the potential zombie and the surface. Try bumping your head on a stone cross and see if you want to go grazing for delicious brains afterward.
III. The Conclusion
What would scare me more than the existence of zombies would be the possibility of becoming one myself. I’m rather squeamish. I left a bowl of dog food in the driveway last night for a stray, limping puppy I’ve seen around the neighborhood, and when I went to retrieve it this morning, it was covered in ants. I’ve been vomiting ever since. So, I don’t think my stomach could handle a daily diet of fresh brains. Of course, I’ve designed an elaborate headstone for my grave (it’s me riding a kind of robo-horse while shooting a bow and arrow - I don’t know, you’d have to see it) that will most likely keep me safely below ground.
Our current zombie mania will surely die down, but I’m sure it will rise again. In fact, zombies have been part of pop culture since the dawn of civilization. Take this quote from Ishtar in the ancient Epic of Gilgamesh:
If you do not give me the Bull of Heaven,
I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,
I will smash the doorposts, and leave the doors flat down,
and will let the dead go up to eat the living!
Sure, Ishtar, but will they be able to run?
About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.
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