The 4400: Tiny Machines

The gods of television hate me.

I was thrilled to tune in to The 4400 tonight because I thought this was it. This was the season finale and I would be done with promicin and Tom Baldwin and Jordan Collier until next summer.

Noooooooooo. The season finale is next week.

I just want this to be over! Can someone give someone a fatal wound? Can Diana Skouris stop hesitating and asking stupid questions? Can Kyle stop breathing through his mouth? Can Jordan Collier shave and walk around without his shirt?

Seriously, USA. Could you get something going on that last request?

This fake finale started with Sean and the gang staging a rescue operation to get Kevin out of Promise City, which was the most anti-climactic rescue scene ever. They walked in, unscrewed some hinges and walked out.

But, they did it all with their 4400 abilities which require no effects budget whatsoever! Just a constipated face and a hand held out in front of them!

My favorite 4400, Curtis the Bad Movie Maker, showed up only to get shot in the head by Sinister Tom, but not before telling Diana and Megan how the Marked got inside their hosts. He knew they were injected with liquid which was full of “tiny machines”.

“Tiny machines?” Diana said. “What does that mean?”

I don’t know, Diana. Maybe machines that are tiny. She later drives this point further home for the slower members of the audience when she and Megan are grilling Marco the Tech Cutie about what these mysterious tiny machines could be. She’s all, “Nanites! Nanotechnology! Tiny machines!”

I don’t remember Diana being as stupid as she’s been this season. Does she have some degenerative brain disorder that makes it hard for her to get out her gun when she has Sinister Tom cornered in the office? She was fiddling around her holster for a good minute in that scene which gave Sinister Tom time to punch her.

Megan also hesitated, and – big surprise – Sinister Tom punched her, too.

For the real season finale, I predict that Isabelle will feel bad about betraying Collier and save him before he becomes one of the Marked and we have to spend fifteen minutes staring at a mole behind his ear. Sean’s brother will have developed the ability to spontaneously generate promicin in everyone around him and will be saved by a non-Marked Collier, even though he should commit suicide because his selfish desire for an ability killed his mom. Tom should die, but will probably be saved by Sean who will no doubt be able to neutralize the tiny machines with his healing properties.

OK, then. One more week to go.

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