Ask an Amateur Scientist: Skeptical Answers

Case #005 – Skeptical Answers

I. The Setup

As a resident of north Louisiana, I’ve had to deal with several myths about my home and its inhabitants. For one thing, my town still exists. And it’s dry. Also, I do not speak Cajun, nor do I know anyone who does. Well, except for one guy. Actually, his hometown has been washed away – not by Katrina, but by coastal erosion. He’s from south Louisiana, though, which is like a whole other country. South Louisiana is swampy and Catholic and otherwise mysterious. The air is like the inside of a witch’s cauldron. The people down there all ride tamed alligators to work and drink nothing but Tabasco sauce.

Most foreigners (and by “foreigners”, I mean those who live more than fifty miles away) can’t distinguish between the two regions of Louisiana. They don’t realize that north Louisiana is a flat, barren wasteland. We are the fuzzy navel pushing at the buckle of the Bible belt. We are Protestant, non-alcoholic, and vaguely threatened by the quasi-pagan ritual that is Mardi Gras. We do, however, ride tamed alligators to work.

Being an amateur scientist in north Louisiana is a full time job. Meet a stranger in my town, and you’re just as likely to be asked where you go to church as you are your name. I grew up Baptist and fell out of favor with the faith after learning in eighth grade Sunday school that God created AIDS to kill gay people. I knew that the Lord works in mysterious ways, but that seemed a little nuts to me. Also, I realized that The Lord of the Rings was nearly as long as the Bible and far more plausible.

Still, from time to time I meet someone who, upon learning that I don’t attend any church, attempts to convert me. Now, I’m not talking the kind of Middle Ages hang-you-from-your-toenails-and-whip-you-into-submission conversion here. No, this kind of conversion is more low-key and, regrettably, far less kinky. It’s the concerned questioning of someone who thinks you’re a decent kind of person and would hate to see you burn in hell for something as trivial as an interest in amateur science.

Recently, one of these concerned believers pointed me toward a list of questions for the “not-yet-a-believer” on a website called ChristianAnswers.net. Tired of having to defend their faith from the probing queries of scientists and incredulous critical thinkers, the creators of this list decided to turn the tables on the faithless. These questions are meant to throw an amateur scientist like myself into a whirlpool of doubt — sucking me in and spitting me out a whole and righteous follower of God’s word. Again, regrettably, I’ve found the effects of these questions to be far from kinky and fulfilling.

In this week’s column, I’ll attempt to summon my powers as a skeptical amateur scientist and defend the position of reason against just the first five of these 44 questions. Why only the first five? Because the grocery store’s about to close, and I’m all out of Tabasco.

II. The Findings

1. How do you explain the high degree of design and order in the universe?

This question is a textbook example of the logical fallacy known as Petitio Principii or, if you don’t speak a dead language, “begging the question”. Such a fallacy is demonstrated when the conclusion of a question is assumed in the premise. Here, the question assumes there is a design to the universe and offers this assumption as proof that the universe was designed.

To answer the question, I don’t explain the high degree of design and order in the universe, because there isn’t any. Creationists often cite the eye as an example of inarguable biological design. The eye, they say, is so complicated and perfectly adapted to its job that it can’t possibly have evolved naturally. But what they don’t seem to understand is that the eye is terrifically inefficient. Images are flipped upside down by the lens, requiring the brain to reprocess the information received by the optic nerve in order for us to see right side up. The eye is squishy and dangerously delicate for such an important organ. Also, unless stylish glasses were part of the initial design, you’d think God would have built the eye to last a little longer. Perhaps creationists have never heard the term “macular degeneration”?

Of course no one can argue with the famous bananas-as-proof-of-design video featuring the talents of Australian creationist Ray Comfort and Growing Pains-and-not-much-else’s Kirk Cameron.

Hey, wait a second. Aren’t the kinds of bananas Ray is talking about and Kirk is grinning about a strain only cultivated by humans? Aren’t wild bananas riddled with rock-hard seeds and dangerous to eat?

Spoiler alert: yes.

2. How do you account for the vast archaeological documentation of Biblical stories, places, and people?

Again, this question assumes that there is vast archaeological proof of Biblical events. But the ancient Egyptians, who loved keeping records almost as much as they loved cursing tombs, never made any mention of having enslaved the Hebrews. Nor do they ever mention Moses. Nor is there any record of the Hebrews wandering the desert for forty years. Also, there’s no contemporary account of Jesus of Nazareth, even in the records of Pontius Pilate, who supposedly had him crucified.

Here’s the thing, though. Even if there were records of all these things, it still wouldn’t prove God created the universe.

For further reading, consult the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible.

You know what? It’s getting pretty late, so I’m just going to go ahead and skip to question five.

5. Are you able to live consistently with your present worldview?

Yes, actually. I’ve been consistently alive ever since I developed my current worldview. In fact – Yes, I’m still alive. Wait – Whew! Still here.

That was a close one.

However, there are several people who have shared my worldview and are no longer consistently living. To name a few: Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, Marlon Brando, Rodney Dangerfield, Katherine Hepburn, Bruce Lee, H.P. Lovecraft, Arthur Miller, Friedrich Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, Marie Curie, and Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

III. The Conclusion

While I saddle up my alligator, why don’t you, dear readers, borrow a game from the Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe podcast and try to spot the logical fallacies in every one of ChristianAnswers.net’s questions for the “not-yet-a-believer�”

I’ll start you off with this one:

9. If the Bible is not true, why is it so universally regarded as the �Good Book�?

And as a hint, I’ll give you this chart:

About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years. Have a topic yo’d like the Amateur Scientist to investigate? Send your suggestions to submissions@pinkraygun.com.

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