“I swallowed a bug.” - River Tam

Case #004 - “Hey man, can I use your credit card?”

I. The Setup

Previously in this column, I have referenced my friend Baxter, who is an idiot. Baxter is such an idiot that I feel entirely comfortable using his real name in this column, since he does not understand when he’s being insulted. There was a dark period in my life when Baxter and I shared an apartment. Upon returning home from a long night at the amateur science lab, I found Baxter lying unconscious on the living room floor. While attempting to cook a whole turkey in our toaster oven, he had sustained numerous second-degree burns on his hands and wrists, which he treated with Gold Bond medicated powder. I kicked him in the ribs until he stirred and told him he was the stupidest person I’d ever met. He lifted a powdery index finger, squealed that he was “number one”, then gagged on his own tongue.

So, when Baxter called me last week to ask if he could use my credit card, you can see why I was suspicious. Turns out Baxter had been browsing the Internet and discovered a website about rods. Also called skyfish, rods are a cryptozoological phenomenon which have been gaining in popularity for the last several years. People have been noticing strange elongated objects which appear to be zooming across the frame in several still images. They appear in news footage, vacation snapshots, and one can even be seen in a scene from Braveheart. Uncredited, of course.

Baxter had stumbled upon Roswellrods.com, a website run by self-described “explorer and UFO researcher” Jose Escamilla. It was Escamilla’s footage of rods taken in both New and old Mexico that ignited the entire phenomenon. Escamilla’s site chronicles the rod saga, providing a timeline of sightings and a hypothesis that the rods themselves are a form of previously unknown amphibious species which fly at speeds so fast as to be invisible to the naked eye. Have you ever seen a flash in the corner of your eye but turn to see nothing at all? According to Escamilla, it was probably a rod. Have you ever been smacked in the face by a supersonic stick creature? No, you haven’t. Which is probably the first and best argument against the existence of rods.

Of course, one should also be wary of the fact that, through his website, Escamilla is asking for money to continue his rod research. I quote: “the next time you see Bush or Clinton out there raising money for a political campaign, instead of giving them your money give it to us!” By “us”, Escamilla means himself. And though I cannot argue with the wisdom of keeping your money out of the hands of a Bush or a Clinton, my amateur science training tells me that where there’s panhandling, there’s probably a hoax. Of course, my friend Baxter has no training at all. In anything. So, should I give him my credit card so he can donate to rod research?

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II. The Findings

What are rods? Are they really an unclassified new life form? Are they the souls of the dead, wandering through the atmosphere, confused because the Catholic church just got rid of purgatory? Are they harbingers of the apocalypse? Do they bring a message of love or a message of war? When I sculpt a rod out of my mashed potatoes, does it mean something? Is it important?

Hey, guess what. They’re bugs.

A new form of insect, you say? An entymological enigma?

No. Ever seen bugs flying outside? Those are rods.

You see, due to the ins and outs of photography which are too complicated and boring for an amateur scientist like me to really understand, objects moving quickly through the frame of a still image appear to be elongated. We’ve understood this phenomenon for decades. It’s even duplicated in special effects to add a sense of realism to a created shot. Probably the most famous example is the warp effect used throughout Star Trek. When the Enterprise shoots off into space to solve another action-packed diplomatic boondoggle, it’s made to look like it stretches lengthwise. Of course, this streaking effect is unnoticeable in actual moving video, but it’s undeniable in still photography.

“Rods” are created when an insect (a mosquito, a wasp, Ann Coulter) passes in front of a camera lens at such a speed that it appears to be a long, rod-like creature. The undulating wings that appear to show up are actually the wings of the insect, which have similarly been stretched through the picture. The image below? Those are moths photographed on a back porch.

The “rod effect” has been duplicated in laboratory settings numerous times, and the evidence that they are actually wayward bugs has become so overwhelming that most “explorers and UFO researchers” have dismissed rods completely. For once, this is a case where science has actually won.

If you want to see an excellent practical breakdown of the “rod effect”, visit Shannon L. Story’s Rods: Fact or Fiction.

III. The Conclusion

Should I let Baxter use my credit card to send Jose Escamilla money? No, I shouldn’t.

Should I check the caller I.D. before answering the phone? Yes, I really should.

About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years. Have a topic yo’d like the Amateur Scientist to investigate? Send your suggestions to submissions@pinkraygun.com.

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