This is Chen-Bot 3000 reporting from outside the Big Brother Spaceship. With the season premiere of Big Brother 8, comes the first season of Big Brother: Pink Raygun Edition, which happens simultaneously and mirrors the Big Brother events.
Meet the House Guests and their Big Brother: Pink Raygun Edition counterparts:
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| Ming the Merciless will rule the Big Brother house as he rules Mongo: with a bling encrusted fist and some wicked facial hair. |
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| Ming’s daughter, Aura, is still pissy about her dad exiling her to Fridgia. |
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| Sam never forgave Frodo for going off on vacation and hollering, “See ya! Finish my book, bitch!” as the boat left the dock. |
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| The stalking, the carrying up the mountain, the jumping on the bed. . . Frodo thought Sam was getting too needy. |
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| Alien will spit and procreate her way to dominance in the Big Brother house, unless. . . |
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| . . . she’s taken down by her arch rival, Predator. Whoever wins, we lose. |
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| Chucky is a cute little doll, possessed by unspeakable evil. . . the evil of America’s reality TV viewers. Such is the lot of America’s Player. |
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| Troi senses that her empathic abilities will help her win. What will she do when she learns the House Guests are emotionless sociopaths? |
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| Ash will exorcise his primitive screwhead competition with his boomstick, pillow talk and a ten year old chemistry book. |
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| Aunt Beru will win the House Guests over with cookies and Bantha milk. |
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| Delenn will keep the other House Guests in a state of perpetual confusion with her fortune cookie platitudes. |
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| HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! |
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| Single Las Vegas mom is doing it all for her baby, including backstabbing and tearing that guy in half. What a role model. |
Episode recap:
The House Guests are locked down in the Big Brother Spaceship and make fleeting friends at first sight. Aura plays the “Daddy exiled me to Fridgia!” card, achieving the dual purposes of winning sympathy from Counselor Troi and Alien and positioning herself as the queen bee of the group. Frodo shocked everyone with the revelation that he got gonorrhea from Samwise on their journey to Mount Doom. “It burns us!” he cried as he flailed around, exposing his huge nipples. Delenn became the first Head of Household by the mere act of holding on to a spinning mushroom and not falling off.
Tune in Monday for the latest in Big Brother: Pink Raygun Edition updates! Chen-Bot, out!
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Big Brother UK has been rolling like Clint in an armour plated bus for weeks now. I have tried to avoid it but like those vampires disco dancing at the End of Dusk Till Dawn; little slivers of daylight keep infiltrating my ill constructed trucker bar of sanity and scorching my taught, firm, ever loving, flesh.
Not sure who is who but the foul miasma of their genetic decrepitude is plain for the world to see. The way they limp and lurch through this social rut fest makes my bile ducts engage ludicrous speed. The weeping and laughing and garrotting of kittens to win favour from each other, the baying public and the their belligerent god (voiced by a loathsome production assistant called Jimmy Jizzstain no doubt) is beyond redemption.
It is the desperate clawing at Father Fame’s velvet smock of office that riles me the most. I guarantee that within a week of leaving that house all the woman that don’t induce immediate physical revulsion will be dancing, bikini clad, through the pages of various hand shandy mags. Or, if they are lucky, caught puking their own pelvis into the gutter of some 2nd rate celebrity dive behind Soho Square by delighted paparazzi. Whilst the men… well… we’ll forget them almost instantly unless they have become fortunate enough to get jiggy with one the femmes. The best these no chinned throwbacks can hope for is a light prison sentence or community service in reward for their inevitable drink driving/sexual assault on a tortoise/pop record.
To be honest I don’t know why I am even bothering ranting about these heaps of hate that portend to be of the human race. I’d sort them on day one…
TASK 1:
External doors locked.
Housemates are daubed in baby seal blood.
Hungry and rabid and horny polar bear released into house.