Summer is vacation time, and the media wants you to know that summer time leisure is dangerous. Rip currents will get you at the beach! Mosquitoes carry the West Nile virus! THE SUN IS POISON! And of course, if you’re anywhere between Texas and New York, there is a hurricane out there just waiting to get you.
But, they never tell you how to avoid the real dangers. SPF 400 sunblock won’t protect you from that axe swinging maniac at your summer camp. Bug repellent won’t repel the demonic force lurking outside your isolated cabin in Appalachia (why are you there, anyway? You can’t get an internet connection) and swimming parallel to the current won’t save you from a giant, hungry squid. Here are some tips on surviving your common summer vacation locations.
I went to summer camp once and it sucked. The counselors were jerks who locked us out of the cabin and didn’t follow through with activities (I just wanted to do some macrame). The food was disgusting and we were limited to a two minute showers (icky). And there was a mad scientist-turned-monster running around the mountain stealing campers for his experiments.
Yeah, I believed that; I was nine years old. Yes, I have still have dreams about it sometimes (SHUT UP!).
Oh, yeah. Tips. Learn from the following examples:
Girls, don’t lay around the lake in your bikini all sexy-like and looking available. Any expression of sexuality will be met with swift and permanent violence (or blogger outrage), so wear a one piece (preferably with a burka attachment).
Guys, don’t be jerks. Be nice to the socially awkward geek whose lousy at sports. He doesn’t mock you because you have an IQ of 85 and breath through your mouth (actually, he does. And so do I. Seriously, close your mouth. You look like a Neanderthal).
Sleeping in the woods is an invitation for demons and ghosties and banjo wielding rednecks to come and get you. don’t believe me?
![The Blair Witch Project [Region 2]](http://www.pinkraygun.com/wp-content/uploads/41qj307y8ql.gif)
If you have to camp, camp at the beach. it’s not as scary as camping in the woods, and it also smells better. It’s kind of nice to wake up, roll out of the tent and have a nice refreshing swim. . . until a shark swims up and gnaws your bloody leg off.
It used to be that the only thing waiting for you at the beach, the lake or the Amazon River was a great white shark, a giant crocodile or some other beastie that could be avoided by just not going in the water (unless you really are in the Amazon, in which case, that anaconda is coming to you whether you’re in the water or not). Cases in point:
Now it’s nationalists itching to remove your organs (while you’re still alive) to sell on the black market because you treated the locals badly. (I can’t wait for this torture-captivity-horror trend to just go away. It’s really disturbing.)
Better yet, just stay away from nature. Nature is bad and will kill you. At the very least, you’ll wind up with a parasite or something. Giardia, anyone? However, you should be reasonably safe at a resort or country club, but beware of scary little white girls and hairless dance instructors. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
That was very interesting! I won’t send you to Camp again, maybe John will send you…
He’d better not. . .