Ask an Amateur Scientist: Natural Cures
Case #002 – Are there really natural cures “they” don’t want me to know about?
I. The Setup
For dozens of months, Kevin Trudeau’s Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You to Know About has nestled itself firmly on the best-seller list. Mr. Trudeau claims that his book contains shocking and suppressed information on natural cures for almost any disease. From his pose in the cover photograph, he seems to be saying, “Look, I know something that could help you. It’s OK. You can trust me. Here, I’ll just guard this information while you browse the Barnes and Noble. The new volume of Y: The Last Man just came out. Why don’t you go ask the guy at the information desk? Have you ever noticed how he always wears his shirt unbuttoned halfway, so you can see his gold chain? Why do hairy guys always have to show you their gold chains? Anyway, I’ll just be here in the best-seller section. If you want to learn about some natural cures, just come pick me up on the way out and take me home. For only $29.95, you’ll never be sick again.”
That’s what he seems to be saying. But what is he really saying? Does he really possess some secret knowledge the drug companies and the governments in their pockets don’t want you to know about? Is there really a new volume of Y: The Last Man out?
II. The Findings
The cover for Natural Cures‘ updated edition promises the remedies to “over 50 specific diseases”. Which diseases does Kevin Trudeau claim to know how to cure? Well, there’s muscular dystrophy, migraine headaches, chronic fatigue syndrome, lupus, multiple sclerosis, obesity, acid reflux disease, arthritis, herpes, cancer, and AIDS. To name a few.
Most of the book offers no natural cures at all, but is instead a semi-incoherent rant (a manifesto, you might say) about how the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) have conspired to keep down Kevin Trudeau personally and professionally. Additionally, to discover the natural cures for many of the diseases mentioned, the book points you to Trudeau’s website where, for a monthly fee of $9.95 or a lifetime fee of $999, you may finally receive the knowledge you so desperately need. Of course, if you’re suffering from terminal cancer, you may not appreciate this apparent run-around, but what are you going to do? Kevin Trudeau is the only person who knows how to cure you.
But what exactly is a “natural” cure? This is not a scientific term (or even an amateur scientific term), though any visit to a health food store may convince you otherwise. When most people think of the word “natural”, they think of herbal remedies – roots and herbs that have some kind of pharmaceutical effect. However, Trudeau considers his “natural” cures as those that are not manufactured by drug companies or controlled by the FDA. He paints a paranoid picture of money-grubbing, robotic hordes manufacturing ineffective pills and paying off the government to look the other way. The drug companies, Trudeau claims, are in the business of keeping you sick so they can sell you more drugs. He fails to notice, though, that in order for drug companies to make their money, people have to actually buy their drugs. This is called capitalism, and here’s how it works.
II a. A Brief Lesson in Capitalism
You need something. Someone offers you a thing that meets your need. You buy it.
[nms:Kevin Trudeau,4,0]
II. The Findings Continued
This isn’t a perfect system. It requires a certain responsibility on the consumer’s part. If you buy something and it doesn’t do what it says it will, then you shouldn’t buy it again. For instance, I went to a Star Trek convention where Walter Koenig was the guest of honor. I stood in line and paid my $20 for an autographed picture. Instead of handing me a signed portrait as himself as the lovable, mop-topped Pavel Chekhov, he instead scribbled his name on a photo of his character from Babylon 5. At a Star Trek convention. After a slap in the face like that, I resolved never to spend my money on anything featuring Walter Koenig again. Fortunately, it’s been very easy to hold to this conviction, since Walter Koenig doesn’t get a lot of work.
My point is that people buy drugs because they’re effective. Or, you know, to have a good time on the weekend. Human beings are the healthiest we’ve ever been. Death rates are low and life expectancies are very high. We must be doing something right, right?
So what don’t “they” want you to know? Well, according to Trudeau, rather than taking a pill for your chronic and chemical depression, why not wear white instead? This seems like a fine idea until you consider that after Labor Day, you’re totally screwed. Also, if you’re suffering from multiple sclerosis, just sleep on a magnetic mattress pad. Actually, a friend of mine has this disease. When she told me she was scheduled for a doctor’s appointment, I secretly called the clinic and canceled for her. Then I left a magnetic mattress pad on her doorstep with a note that said “thank me later”. Instead of thanking me, she came to my house and beat me with a fire poker. It was the most energetic I’d seen her in years! Thanks, Kevin Trudeau!
III. The Name Calling
Here’s the thing. Kevin Trudeau is a liar and a fraud. And this isn’t just my angry personal opinion. Sure, jumping on a trampoline didn’t cure my borderline personality disorder like he said it would, but I’ve forgiven him. The government, however, hasn’t.
Kevin Trudeau has been to jail twice. In 1990, he posed as a doctor and deposited $80,000 in false checks at a bank. He was convicted of larceny, which is legal jargon for lying, stealing, and generally being an ass. A year later, he served two more years in prison for credit card fraud.
Trudeau claims he learned from his time behind bars, but apparently all he learned was how to guard his lunch with one arm while eating with the other. After getting out, he went on television with a series of infomercials claiming to improve your memory with cassette tapes. Called the Mega Memory System, these tapes were proven by the FTC to be complete bunk, and they fined Trudeau (who then claimed to be the president of the fictional Memory Institute) for making false claims.
Then he sold a tape he claimed would make your pain go away.
Then he sold calcium supplements and claimed they would cure cancer.
Finally, the FTC banned Trudeau from selling any products or producing any infomercials. However, books are protected forms of free speech, which is how he is able to sell his “natural cures” unmolested.
III. The Conclusion(s)
Is the FTC out to get Kevin Trudeau? Yes. Do they have good reason? Absolutely. Are there really natural cures “they” don’t want you to know about? Maybe. At least, there are synthetic drugs “they” would rather you take so you don’t die.
III a. A Brief Lesson in Capitalism (Addendum)
If you’re dead, you can’t buy anything.
IV. One More Conclusion
Oh, and there was no new volume of Y: The Last Man at Barnes and Noble. The voice coming from Kevin Trudeau’s book cover photo is a liar, too.
About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.
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There is something so ironic about an”amateur scientist” debunking a fraudlent scientist. By the way, the concept of “100%natural” a lie also. Whether directly from a plant or manufactured, a drug is a drug.
The whole idea of Kevin Trudeau is a kind of Everlasting Gobstopper filled with layer upon layer of delicious irony. Delicious, depressing, hilarious irony.
you guys like the work irony huh!
So I saw this book in my parent’s house, a few months ago, having never heard of it. I leafed through it a bit, and was quite surprised to see a shameless plug for Scientology in the text! The guy flat out says “The best thing you can do for your health is go join Scientology, it’s worked wonders for everyone, no one ever complains, it’s great, and you get to dress like you’re in the navy blah blah blah.” Needless to say I was pretty shocked by that.