Ask an Amateur Scientist: Loch Ness Monster
Case #001: Does the Loch Ness Monster really exist?
I. The Setup
On the first of June, 2007, a self-described “amateur scientist” named Gordon Holmes revealed to the world what he believes to be the clearest and most definitive video footage of the Loch Ness Monster to date. People have been reporting sightings of a dark, elongated creature swimming, floating, or otherwise loitering around Scotland’s Loch Ness for centuries, though no physical evidence of a watery beast has ever been discovered. Thus, the monster (known affectionately as “Nessie” or “Oh God, Oh God, It’s Coming Right for Our Boat”) has dug a firm encampment for itself alongside such other mythic Scottish creatures as the ear-piercing Banshee, the deliciously sentient Haggis-Man, and the immortal Highlander. But does the Loch Ness Monster really exist? Such is the question posed to me, Brian Thompson, an amateur scientist, by Mrs. Doris Goodwin of Poughkeepsie, New York.
Actually, since this is my first column, I haven’t received any questions, so I made this one up myself. But I think Mrs. Goodwin would be happy to know that she and Nessie have something in common. Neither one of them exists.
Wait, that’s not part of the setup, is it? Hold on.
II. The Conclusion
No, the Loch Ness Monster does not exist.
I should have made a case for my conclusion first, right? Crap. Bear with me while I get the hang of this.
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II (for real). The Findings
Okay, so there have been a lot of Nessie sightings over the years. The earliest known report of a creature in Loch Ness comes from a 7th Century text called The Life of St. Columba. Keep in mind that this is the life of St. Columba, not St. Columbo, whose life involved far more trench coats and cigarettes. Still, St. Columba’s life was pretty darned exciting, if this text is to be believed. One passage describes how Columba saved the life of a Scottish tribesman as a monster in the Loch was attacking him. Here, I’ll quote it for you:
“…invoking the name of God, [he] formed the saving sign of the cross in the air, and commanded the ferocious monster, saying, ‘Thou shalt go no further, nor touch the man; go back with all speed.’ Then, at the voice of the saint, the monster was terrified, and fled more quickly than if it had been pulled back with ropes.”
This account, while harrowing, doesn’t exactly hold up under scrutiny. Imagine the same scene, but replace St. Columba with, say, Harry Potter. Instead of making a cross in the air and rebuking the monster, let’s say Harry waves his wand and shouts something in Latin. Oh, and instead of a Loch Ness Monster, it’s Voldemort. You see how it would still work? Here’s a tip for you would-be amateur scientists: if the same story you’ve heard could work as children’s fantasy, it’s probably not true. Still, if you want to try a field experiment, why not hunt down a Florida alligator and see if gesticulating in the air and being uppity will scare it away? If you die, you have both disproved this story of the Loch Ness Monster and simultaneously proven the theory of natural selection. Congratulations, you’re a (dead) scientist!
Of course, the myth of Nessie isn’t just based on a single ancient text. That would be silly. No, it’s been bolstered through the years by numerous eyewitness accounts from drunken Scotsmen who have seen something dark and wavy in the dark and wavy waters of the Loch, or, as it’s pronounced in Scotland, the Looooaaacchghhhaaaahhhrrr. But eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable. Remember when you heard from a friend who heard from a friend that Zack Morris was killed in a car crash? Remember how stupid you felt when you saw him alive and well on NYPD Blue? Remember how you thought, “Wait a second. NYPD Blue’s still on the air?” I’m in your head!
But then there was this picture:
Obviously genuine, right? Of course, this picture would seem to suggest that Nessie is some sort of Pleiosaurus, a long-necked, large-bodied aquatic dinosaur. The only problem here is that the Pleiosaurus is extinct. Also, there is not enough of a food supply in the Loch to support such a large animal, not to mention the several such animals that would need to exist in order to procreate. Unless, of course, Nessie is also an immortal Highlander, in which case there can be only one. However, I find it difficult to believe that a creature with such a prominent neck would be able to successfully wield a sword while protecting itself from decapitation.
But I think the most damning evidence against this photo is the fact that the guy who took it confessed that it was a hoax. Robert Kenneth Wilson, a gynecologist apparently driven to mischief by staring into vaginas all day, attached a sculpted head to a toy submarine and photographed it in his bathtub.
Now we have Gordon Holmes’ footage of what is unmistakably, unequivocally, unambiguously - a kind of dark line thingy.
No offense to Mr. Holmes, but when you describe yourself as an “amateur scientist”, you are really saying you’re “not a scientist”. And I should know, because I am one. This footage really shows nothing but a smudge. Even if it really is Nessie, you can’t tell from this image. It could be a long eel or a convergence of hot and cold currents or, as my friend Baxter (who is an idiot) put it: “That thing looks like a giant turd, man.”
Also, we should keep in mind that Mr. Holmes also sells footage of what he describes as fairies or “strange lady figures“. I won’t pay the four pounds for the footage, and the images available on his website are too small to see clearly, but I’m fairly certain that these “strange lady figures” were not filmed through a hole in a public restroom stall, which would be the only place I’ve ever known “strange lady figures” to congregate. Mr. Holmes, sadly, appears to be a nut.
So, what actual evidence of Nessie do we have? Ancient Tolkien-esque accounts of fighting Nessie with magic? Alcohol-infused eyewitness accounts? Toy submarines in bathtubs? Blurry black line thingies? Oddly, this “evidence” has been compelling enough for actual scientists (not the “amateur” variety) to study the Loch with sonar imaging, submarine exploration, and advanced hydrophonics. Their findings?
III. Conclusion
No. The Loch Ness Monster does not exist. Immortal Highlanders, however? Maybe.
About The Amateur Scientist: Brian Thompson is a professor of amateur science at a major imaginary university. He has been able to read and write for over seventeen years.
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June 21st, 2007 at 11:41 am
As an “amateur film analyst” I must concur with your findings. Yes, this is clearly a squiggly black line that seems to be located in a lake, loch, sea, ocean, bathtub, small puddle, or other body of water.
June 21st, 2007 at 1:21 pm
They should drain the lake to find her, like Mr. Burns did on the Simpsons, and get it over with already
June 21st, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I can just see the nutjob headline upon the draining of the Loch: “NESSIE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN - POSSIBLY USING POTTER’S INVISIBILITY CLOAK”