DADDY! Thoughts on Fatherhood by The Tamworthian

I�ve just devised and imbued one helluva bumbitch batch of spaghetti bolognese. It was of such size and beefy malevolence that I fear even Buford T Justice would struggle to entertain it in his mammoth gut of righteousness. As I type, it writhes in my own belly, aching for release, much like John Hurt�s breakfast spawning, thudding at my rib cage, ready to eat the face off my flat mate should it escape (I mean it! It was a SERIOUS spag bol � I think it was the rosemary, Worcester sauce, desiccated baboon scrotum I threw in for giggles). It was a spag bol that could join me and rule the galaxy as father and son!!!

See what I did? YES!!! That�s right. I managed to entwine the tale of my din-dins with the three greatest movie dads in all time. I thought that was clever. No? Well, stick you (you�re momma too) (and yo daddy for that matter). I�m very tired and grumpy as I was up all night retraining my baboon army of death to drive on the wrong side of the road for when they invade The States. Imagine the look on Bush Jr�s face as a hick hungry primate pulled out his throat and started plucking an elaborate bass solo on his windpipe! Sweet.

ANYHOOT! I believe Fathers’ Day can be encapsulated (physically, metaphysically and olfactory) in the following well known phrase,

�There’s no way, NO way that you came from MY loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I’m gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth! �

Here, Buford T demonstrates the three essential traits of fatherhood:

DENIAL: He flat refuses to acknowledge his complicity in the fact that his son is a retard. Much as any pop would deny a collapsed shelf was anything to do with his own cack-handed DIY dimwittery, Buford will blame any one but himself. And as Buford blamed his spouse, so did my own papa after he�d spent a good hour waving a match around inside an electric oven. According to Papa Tamworthian �It was her bloody fault, she chose the bloody thing!�

SHAME: A father will often will be ashamed or troubled by his offspring. I can only hypothesis the strife Ming went through while his little jezebel spawn was going through puberty. �No daughter of Ming will attire herself thus for a public execution! You put on that dress and I�ll scatter you to atoms young lady! Eeeee if yer mother could see you now�!�

INTIMIDATION: Yeah! He�s bigger than you and he knows it!!! Take a gander at Old Man Skywalker�s freak out when he caught his Leia poncing about the galaxy with dem no good, hippy, rebel freaks! Two words: MIND PROBE!! MIND!! PROBE!!! Grounded? NAY! Pocket money stopped? Don�t be soft!! BLACK SHINY FLYING SATAN ORB WITH NASTY POINTY BITS?? Yes, please, Grand Moff! I�ll take two, wrap one and strap the other one to my wayward daughter’s frontal lobes!!

Mind you, I would have swapped Leia�s mind probing for my dad�s pajamas any day. ODIN’S BEARD! He had them for about 10 years. The �man hole� had torn down to the knee and left little to the imagination. I never felt much of a yearn to invite friends to witness the slumbering beast that begot me all those years ago.

Who is The Tamworthian? The Tamworthian comes from a land far beyond the realms of mortal comprehension. A land so wondrous that the people there use cider as a form of currency. A place SO magical that the good citizens often bare pit bulls rather than human spawn. A town SO enrapt in marvel that the merest mention of it can bring shuddering orgasm to the most staid of souls! He is The Tamworthian and he hails from TAMWORTH! the ski capital of the West Midlands, the birthplace of modern policing, the best place to get bottled on Friday night this side of Nottingham. He is The Tamworthian and he brings you joy and a really nasty aftertaste. HOOZAH!!

Father’s+Day fathers dad

Can’t get enough Tamworthian lovin’ ? Download and listen to his radio comedy, House of Gubbins.

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