As the worldwide zombie uprising continues and worsens, we should stop for a moment to consider how this will effect our dating lives. Unless you have mad mixed martial arts skills, you’re not going to make it on your own, no matter how Mary Tyler Moore you think you are, and will have to revise your ideas on dating. To this end, Pink Raygun has developed 10 Rules for Dating in the Zombie Apocalypse.
1. Lower your standards – Dates will be hard to find. “Breathing” should be your top priority. “Teeth” should be optional.
2. Cultivate plumpness - If you look well fed, it means you’re near a food source. A steady supply of food is attractive.
3. Carry a hammer - A hammer can be used as a building tool, a food preparation tool and a self-defense tool. It will be the new must-have accessory, so set yourself apart by bedazzling your hammer. A bedazzled hammer says “I’m practical and trendy!” Extra points for preparedness if you name your hammer. “Mjolnir” and “Smashy” are great names and show your date that you appreciate your hardware.
4. Don’t make the first move – Its easy to mistake a newly dead guy for a guy with no social skills or coordination. Let him make the first move, so you know he fulfills the “breathing” requirement.
5. If his first move is to bite you, whack him with your bedazzled hammer.
6. Don’t meet him halfway – When it’s time for that magical date, you’ll only increase your chances of getting nabbed by a zombie as you try to cover ground. Make him pick you up at the door.
7. Don’t talk too much - You’ll only give away your hiding place and draw more zombies to your location.
8. Learn to love poor hygiene – Body odor, haggard looks and missing teeth help a guy (or girl) blend in with the zombie landscape and helps prevent attacks, thus ensuring your continued safety.
9. Let him take the lead – That way, he’ll take the brunt of the zombie attack.
10. Be kind to zombies - You don’t want to thin out the zombie dating pool too much because one day, you’ll be a zombie, too. You may miss out on “Mister Right,” but you’re almost guaranteed to find “Mr. Bite.”
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Listen – get all the food, water, and if you can’t get a damn gun a small pick axe might do (you bash them in the brains with it) and hole up somewhere. They will rot, but it takes time. Only the recently deceased can ambulate. Good luck. My parents saw this kinda thing back in the sixties here in Western Pennsylvania. We can beat them – I heard on short wave there’s already hunting parties out around here taking out these chowder heads. Hope where you’re at allows red necks to own guns.
No. 9 [ ... ] unless, of course, the zombies are already behind you, presumably?
My thought is this: if the zombies are behind you, you should be able to outrun them pretty easily. They’re slow, dried out, Romero zombies, so even I could probably outrun one. And I typically don’t run unless I’m racing someone for the last slice of cheesecake.
No. 10, wouldn’t that be just settling? Either way, I am looking for the biggest baddest zombiest killing person I can find when I am in that dating pool!
There’s a fine line between “settling” and “being realistic about your dating options”.
Luckily, the Arizona desert is so hot and arid that zombies around here would dry out out and crumble in a few days. In most ways, my town sucks, but it’s a good place to be during a zombie uprising.
I love this!
And by the way – here was mine:
http://teddyann.livejournal.com/233806.html?mode=reply