PRGAAMWA DVD Fight: The Hitcher vs. Memory

I was dead set on hating The Hitcher and was convinced that anything it went up against would be better. Memory looked promising: the cover said there was “a surprise twist ending that will rock the very core of your reality”. My core of reality hasn’t been rocked in a few days, so I was game and absolutely sure that Memory would win this match. I would have even rooted for Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen; anything to keep The Hitcher from winning.

I have so many problems with the remake of The Hitcher. Before the movie starts, a statistic appears on screen stating that every year roughly 42,000 people die on America’s highways. Now, is that only at the hands of John Ryder types, or does that include crashes caused by idiot people going way over the speed limit and weaving between cars while talking on the phone, lighting a cigarette and watching 24 on their video iPod? Clarity, people.

Then we see a cute and fluffy bunny hopping through the brush and into a road, where it’s immediately splattered across the black top by a speeding car. Awwww! Poor fluffy bunny! See, the roads are dangerous if you’re cute and fluffy and innocent, like Grace and Jim, who are driving to Lake Havasu for spring break. Five minutes later, a dragonfly gets splattered on a windshield, just in case you were in the bathroom or were digging around the pint of Phish Food for a chocolate cow and missed the bunny splat.

Do you get it? Do you? THE AMERICAN ROAD IS DANGEROUS!!!!!!! So drop your pretentious Jack Kerouac, On the Road fantasies and BE AFRAID!!!!!!

I can buy Sean Bean as a maniacal serial killer, but I can’t buy him as John Ryder and it’s all Rutger Hauer’s fault. Bean’s Ryder has to do a lot more stuff to prove that he’s a scary bad ass and he has to do it with Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” playing over him as he takes out several police cars with just a handgun, five o’clock shadow and a steely gaze.

It’s not that Sean Bean was bad in the role. I actually can’t think of anyone else who could have done it. It’s just that Rutger Hauer was so good in the original; he had this quiet, calm insanity that scared the hell out of me. Seriously, which guy looks more likely to kill a station wagon full of a nice family?

What bugged me the most was that The Hitcher showed everything. We see Ryder taking out the police force. We see him squeezing his hands out of the handcuffs. We see the poor kid get ripped apart by two Mack trucks. The Hitcher leaves nothing up to the viewer which is why Bean’s Ryder isn’t scary and the movie sucks.

But, The Hitcher’s flame of suckiness is totally snuffed out by the raging suck fire that is Memory. Memory is a supernova of suck featuring the talents of Billy Zane, Tricia Helfer, Ann-Margaret and Dennis Hopper, that had me asking one question: how the hell did Dennis Hopper end up in this?

The backbone of Memory is the idea that through a powder made up of ground up, sun-dried brains (like sun-dried tomatoes, but more savory) a person can experience memories of their parents. It’s a cool idea that’s totally wasted in favor of a garden variety serial killer mystery that finished in a ridiculous ending involving giant dolls and a psycho tea party.

Sounds like it could be something, but it’s slow and horribly written. I had the mystery figured out early on, including the love interest’s part in the whole thing. But, figuring out that Ann-Margaret was the killer wasn’t too hard because the director is about as effective as a rhinoceros operating a camera. Everything she said and did was slow and creepy and purposeful, as if to say “Look at me! I used to be in good movies, but now I’m in this! Please save me!”

The Hitcher was annoying, but Memory was just bad. The remake of The Hitcher may win this round, but Rutger Hauer will always be the only psychokiller for me.

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