Teachers, According to The Tamworthian
It appears that you odd bunch of ex pilgrims, and assorted loafers, are celebrating something called a National Teacher Appreciation Day. You FOOLS!!! Teachers deserve no appreciation whatsoever, the most they merit a good birching and a subsequent roll around in a salt pit! This is a profession that folk fall into when they have discovered they are absolutely bobbins at everything else. In filmic terms this is the equivalent of the gunners on the Death Star. General Veers didn’t want you for his Hoth Assault. Sitting in a turret, day in-day out, and missing X-Wings again and again and again is the sci-fi kith of teaching!!
ANYHOOT! Teachers don’t want to be appreciated. They hate it. IN FACT the only reason they teach IS to be unappreciated so they can moan about it. Even Yoda moaned… “You reach 70000 you look this good blah blah blah.� SPEAK PROPERLY YOU LITTLE GREEN DROP OUT!!! How are you supposed to be educating the future of the galaxy when you jabba on like a remedial? I swear to Odin that if Burt Reynolds had swanned through his swamp the verdure soaked pimp would have pulled out his banjo and started to duel.
AND what is with the Jedi training programme anyhoot? In the prequels Mace Windu was hanging around outside schools, twirling his purple sabre, trying to get’em young. BUT in the original trilogy all you needed was a weekend in The Bog of Eternal Stench with Uncle Yoda and you’re off to fulfil your destiny…
Mind you, I did have a favourite teacher called Mr Radford. He imbued my keen, unformed mind with knowledge when I was about 9. I liked him because he looked like Brian Blessed (circa Flash Gordon). So much so in fact that he wielded a spiked mace, wore an unflattering loin cloth and sported a pair of large feathery wings.
He was a good, kind and wise teacher but was a strict and harsh disciplinarian when roused. On forgetting my history homework he threw me on a tilting disc arena (complete with spikes) to duel with Timothy Dalton… some might judge thus a little heavy handed for the tardy submission of a drawing of Saxon warrior… but it was a lesson I will not soon forget. It made me a better man… akin to Chuck Norris!!!!
I’ve changed my mind. HOOZAH FOR TEACHERS!!!
Who is The Tamworthian? The Tamworthian comes from a land far beyond the realms of mortal comprehension. A land so wondrous that the people there use cider as a form of currency. A place SO magical that the good citizens often bare pit bulls rather than human spawn. A town SO enrapt in marvel that the merest mention of it can bring shuddering orgasm to the most staid of souls… He is The Tamworthian and he hails from TAMWORTH… the ski capital of the West Midlands, the birthplace of modern policing, the best place to get bottled on Friday night this side of Nottingham. He is The Tamworthian and he brings you joy… and a really nasty aftertaste…. HOOZAH!!
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