The Apocalypse is problematic for a number of reasons:
1. The Shampoo IssueEgad! What would I do without my Charles Worthington Daily Treat Shine Enhancing Conditioner? My hair would become dry, frizzy and unmanageable, that’s what!! Which is the last thing you need in a landscape already troubled by cannibalism, mutants and an abundance of leather clad freaks intent on sucking out your vitals in the vain hope of earning a bit of steamy window action from Tina Turner. (Also, remember having great hair will also earn you kudos points when pimping. See point 3).
2. TrustWho do you trust when humanity is thrashing about in its own impenetrable ichors, brought low by the very technology it raised to serve it? Obviously you’d consider Kurt Russell to do the business. BUT I SAY NO!! The guy has no peripheral on one side (don’t ask me which- I’M NOT A GEEK!!!) and we still don’t know if he was the alien-carrying freak at the end of
The Thing. AND he was in
Overboard so. . . forget Snake my amigos! Indeed, I suggest these fellas for the job:
Bill Murray: When the chips are down whom else can you rely to look non-plussed in the face of adversary? Who cares? But he might know
Scarlett Johansson so dagnammit I need him on my team.
Dr. Teeth: The Electric Mayhem were the number one funk, guitar comb of the 70′s. The good doctor’s pimp hand was strong and he had gold fillings so you could always sell them to Lord Humungous and his crew for petrol.
Christopher Lee: He’s Dracula, Sarumon (spell check don’t be working on wizards so who knows if I am right?) and Willy Wonka’s freaking dad!!! So this means he can turn into a mist, command an army of orcs AND sort out your dental work. . . which will come in handy for Dr. Teeth.
3. Mutants and VagabondsYou ladies of the
Pink Raygun fraternity aren’t gonna like this next bit but I’m a little drunk after spending many hours searching for a new place to live so cut me a little slack AND it comes from a warm place. So guys, my advice is to keep your female friends, relatives, employees and partners close to hand come the final days as they will become a viable commodity for bartering. The mutant bikers that cruise the radiation mottled landscape will need succour from the daily drudgery of piracy and pillaging AND you will need food/petrol/water/Twister SO why not trade in your auntie?? If you aren’t into the whole flesh trade thing, Dr Teeth will help you out for a cut so don’t hold back. Its dog eat dog out there my friends, so don’t be afraid to sell your sister to the nearest Yorkshire Terrier.So, there are the essentials for life after The Bomb. Great hair, great buds and loads of chicks in your extended family. OR be Robert Shaw. He rocks.
Who is The Tamworthian? The Tamworthian comes from a land far beyond the realms of mortal comprehension. A land so wondrous that the people there use cider as a form of currency. A place SO magical that the good citizens often bare pit bulls rather than human spawn. A town SO enrapt in marvel that the merest mention of it can bring shuddering orgasm to the most staid of souls… He is The Tamworthian and he hails from TAMWORTH… the ski capital of the West Midlands, the birthplace of modern policing, the best place to get bottled on Friday night this side of Nottingham. He is The Tamworthian and he brings you joy… and a really nasty aftertaste…. HOOZAH!!
Never miss a Pink Raygun update. Subscribe to Pink Raygun by Email, or Subscribe via RSS
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
