Planning Your Zombie Party

Hey, undead guys and gals! It’s Friday, and that means it’s time to party! Whether you’re throwing a party, crashing one, or just cruising for kicks, Pink Raygun has helpful tips and tricks for zombie party preparation, entertainment, and connecting with that special zombie. It’s everything a zombie needs to make his weekend come alive!

Luckily, zombies aren’t too picky about food. It just needs to be human and breathing; it’s the ultimate in rare meats. A wonderful way to get a good selection in your menu is to order out and have the food delivered. When the delivery boy shows up, eat him! Call several restaurants and arrange for deliveries every twenty minutes. There’s virtually no preparation, and you won’t have to pay a dime!

The upside is variety and frequency of service; the downside is you’ll only be able to order from each restaurant once. More than one devoured delivery boy may raise suspicion. Then you’ll have gun toting rednecks knocking on your door in the morning and who really needs that stress?

Your undead body has gone through some changes since leaving the realm of the living. You’ll find a stiffness in your joints, while your skin and flesh soften and sag. Dressing to impress is a challenge, but here are some helpful hints.

Make sure you change out of your funeral clothes. Those suits and dresses only cover the front, and you can’t chat up a lovely lady zombie or dashing zombie daddy-o with your dead, naked tushy exposed.

Whatever you decide to wear, it’s highly advisable that you wear something girdle-ish underneath. Not only will it trim your tummy and love handles, it will keep your innards in. It’s easiest to wear a scuba suit under your clothes. A scuba suit will keep your pancreas is place for the evening, eliminates embarrassing bulges and is easy to clean at the end of the night. Just take it off and hose it down. And you’ll need to hose it down. You’ll be oozing all night, and it tends to get crusty.

If a scuba suit isn’t in your price range, you can use plastic wrap instead, but get something good, like Glad Press’n Seal. The store brand will rip and you’ll spend all night in the bathroom re-wrapping the spot where your rotting, corroded liver is oozing out.

Short on friends? Don’t look so glum! Zombies can make friends where ever they go! For instance, get on the subway and bite some people on the way home from the office. Instant zombie pals!

Guys, just because you bit the girl and turned her into the walking dead, that doesn’t mean she’s your girlfriend. She’s free to bite others. And girls, just because he bit you, that doesn’t mean he loves you.

So, the night is winding down, and you’ve spotted the zombie gal of your dreams. Your drooping eyes meet over the twitching form of the China Palace delivery boy, she offers you a plump bit of appendix. It’s love, but where can you go from here?

Matters of zombie love are complicated by decomposition and the delicate nature of your zombie body. It’s very easy to lose a tongue or accidentally nibble off an ear. You’ll have to accept that zombie love is the purest love; it can’t be acted on or expressed physically because you’ll only snap something off or make a more gaping hole. If that’s something you can live with, you’ll want to consider visiting those gun toting rednecks, but make sure you bring a quiche.

All in all, there are a lot of options for a zombie who’s looking for kicks on a Friday night. You may be undead, but you’ve gotta get your kicks. But, don’t kick too hard. You may lose a foot or throw your leg out of joint.

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