Gather around the fire my amigos and let us visit the joy that is zombies. Those rotten buggers may want to eat our brains and steal our cars, but frankly I’ve never met a zombie I didn’t like. Well, that’s a lie. There was this one who tried to pull my ex with some, admittedly pretty sweet, body popping moves at an 80′s disco. It was actually Zombie Emilio Estevez!! So, I got in his face damn quick and said “They’ll be two hits, me hitting you and you hitting the floor!” then stove his head in a hammer. I suddenly realised I was Judd Nelson and woke up screaming in a pool of somebody else’s sweat. IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Phew. Mind you I wouldn’t have minded a do at Molly Ringwald. . . or is that just wrong?
I digress.
Yes. The Zombie. The simple thrill of the shuffling chase as the horde advance on the buffet of the living. A joy to be sure. But my favourite thing about zombie movies is the enviable hero type who tools up a goes after them. Let me tell you about a few of my favourites. . .
The Black Guy From Dawn of the Dead (Original)
For the last two minutes alone this guy is a god. There he is with one bullet left and the lurching dead are approaching to rend his flesh from his bones. Then a bugle sounds and he visibly thinks “Knackers to this for a game of billiards- You suckers are going down!” The big guy shoots at one AND (this is the moment I have rewound my so many times that my old VHS copy is worn through) he SCISSOR KICKS A ZOMBIE IN THE HEAD. I it gives me a shiver of delight when I consider it.
The Moustachioed Hick Security Guard From Dawn of the Dead (Remake)
When we first meet this guy he portrayed as a right plum, but I knew the moment I saw his shotgun/moustache combo that we had hero on our hands. Yes indeed. In my mind’s eye a young Burt Reynolds plays him. Anyway. . . an important and infallible way to identify a Zombie Film Hero is the shotgun! If he/she has one then I’ll give him good odds on reaching the final reel. I might nip out and get one now. . . BUT I CAN’T!!! Damn this country and its draconian gun control. What are we supposed to use if the dead rise? Let me check my tool kit. . . Oooooh a hammer. . . that’ll do for now. . . maybe I am Judd Nelson!!
Ash from Evil Dead 1,2 & 3.
HE HAS A CHAINSAW FOR A HAND!!! Now there are many things I admire in this life. Diggers and giant robots are an established fact. I also like fish finger and fried egg sandwiches. . . so ladies of Pink Raygun if you want to woo this Tamorthian, essentially you should be a digger driving robot with a perchance for putting reconstituted sea life betwixt slices of bread. Oh momma.
ANYHOOT! I’m not sure it’d be that bad being Judd Nelson, he was in Transformers the Movie and that kicks ass. In fact that film could have only been better if William Shatner, Chuck Norris and Burt Reynolds had been in it. . . IN FACT that’s what I am calling my first-born: Burt Chuck Kirk Bird. . . he will grow up to be a fine young man I wager.
Zombies. Quite frankly, the sooner they make their presence felt the better it’ll be. A good undead apocalypse would soon weed out the dead wood, the wheat from chaff, the James Coburns from the Orlando Blooms. I may just start learning necromancy just so I can see that nimrod have his eyes sucked out and his skinny legs ripped off. And I think that is part of the joy of the zombie films. . . thinking what you would do if it happened, where you would go, who you would take and how you’d survive. Well, I’d have a jet pack and an AT-AT so I’d be alright. . . what about you?
Who is The Tamworthian? The Tamworthian comes from a land far beyond the realms of mortal comprehension. A land so wondrous that the people there use cider as a form of currency. A place SO magical that the good citizens often bare pit bulls rather than human spawn. A town SO enrapt in marvel that the merest mention of it can bring shuddering orgasm to the most staid of souls… He is The Tamworthian and he hails from TAMWORTH… the ski capital of the West Midlands, the birthplace of modern policing, the best place to get bottled on Friday night this side of Nottingham. He is The Tamworthian and he brings you joy… and a really nasty aftertaste…. HOOZAH!!
Related Stuff:
Authors bio is coming up shortly. 
