How do you know when you’re dealing with a hungry zombie versus a raging drunk? How do you defend yourself? The Tamworthian assures me that zombies can’t climb, so you should be safe on the second floor of your house or up a tree. If, like me, you live in a one story home and there are no trees around (trees in Southern Arizona don’t get taller than eye level), you’ll need strategy and a field guide.
Your complete zombie arsenal should include at least one basic garden tool, a Molotov cocktail kit, a lighter and some tampons. You laugh, but they’re very useful. They’re absorbent; soak one is gasoline and light it for an instant mini-fire bomb. They’re sterile; in a pinch you can tape one over a gaping wound to absorb the blood. So, next time your girlfriend or wife asks you to get her a box of Tampax on your beer run, don’t roll your eyes and conveniently “forget”. One of those tampons might just save your life.
Now, your basic garden and household tools. With a shovel, a hoe or an axe, you can pack a wallop without getting too close, but the disadvantage is a lack of portability. You’re not going to fit a shovel in your pocket. If you’re willing to get within a few inches of a zombie, you can use a monkey wrench or sledge hammer. Those have the advantage of being more portable, but you’re likely to get bitten.
The Fresh Zombie: this zombie hasn’t started really decomposing yet, so it looks somewhat normal, except for the drool and stagger, which from a short distance can make it look like a living drunk instead of the living dead.
The Rotting Zombie: this zombie been dead for a while. There may be a liquefied eyeball or a giant gaping hole in its face. These zombies are pretty runny, but they’re easy to follow because they leave bits and pieces of themselves all over the road. Try not to let it ooze on your clothes; the ooze stains and you’ll wind up making an extra trip to the dry cleaners.
The Scary Little White Girl Zombie: even cute little girls can become sinister, especially when they don’t get that Lite-Brite or Easy Bake Oven they’ve been asking for (yeah, I’m talking to you, Dad). They’re pretty easy to handle: just put your hand on her forehead, hold her at arm’s length and watch her flail. You know, like you used to do to your little sister (yeah, I’m talking to you, Chad). By the way, if a little white girl zombie gets you, you’re a total wuss and should be removed from the gene pool anyway. That’s like getting your ass kicked by Dakota Fanning.
The Protruding Weapon Zombie: this zombie can be of the Fresh or Rotting type. It usually has a weapon of some sort or a length of wood sticking out of its head, chest, stomach or back. This zombie is particularly dangerous because it has a built in tool for killing and grilling. Zombies can’t climb, but they know how to use basic tools.
Mall Shopper Zombie: OK, it’s not really the undead, but the bitch won’t get out of my way. I just want to run into Old Navy for some new tank tops and she’s wandering slowly, weaving left and right, and blocking me every time I try to get around her, making what should be a fifteen minute trip last forever. I can’t use my zombie arsenal on her without going to jail. Plus, mall security confiscated my shovel. I should just shop online.
80 Year Old Driver Zombie: similar to the Mall Shopper Zombie, but operating a giant car, probably a Lincoln Towncar from 1972, in the grocery store parking lot at about one mile per hour looking for an open handicapped parking spot, which is taken by some SUV belonging to an underage frat boy buying a case of Natty Ice. Jerk.
Marvel Zombie: this zombie shows a blind allegiance to Marvel comics. Tie ‘em up, prop its eyelids open with toothpicks and force it to read Fear Agent, Seven Soldiers of Victory, and The Walking Dead. Point out the myriad flaws of Marvel’s Civil War. Show it this Civil War parody and watch its head explode.
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
OMG that Civil War parody was awesome! I would highly recommend reading "The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks as well in order to be prepared for World War Z.
Yes!! Now I can finaly tell these buggers apart and know what to do with them. Thanks for the tampon mini-fire bomb tip that should come in handy.
I’m trying to work out other ways to weaponize tampons, but so far I’m just burning holes in the carpet.