Girls have a rough time in sci-fi. It’s bad enough that they aren’t taken seriously until they shave their heads, but it seems like only the most virtuous and honorable get to live. Girls who bend societal standards get knocked off. The next time you find yourself stuck in a sci-fi situation, here are Pink Raygun’s Eight Simple Rules for surviving through the closing credits.
1. Keep your panties on.
Girls who have sex get killed, that’s all there is to it. On Battlestar Galactica, Cat had sex with her ex, then died of radiation poisoning. Starbuck slept with everyone and now she’s dead. Ellen Ripley of the Alien films made it through two movies with hardly a bruise. In Alien 3, it’s implied that she had sex with one of the prisoners, and what happens? She dies.
On Lost, Shannon had sex with Sayid and Ana-Lucia had sex with Sawyer. Are they in the credits anymore? No. Following that logic, Kate is next to go.
2. Get married.
However, you can have sex within a marriage. Callie and Dualla of BSG have both been under the gun and threatened: Dualla in a hostage situation on Cloud Nine, Callie at the hands of a crazed officer on Kobol and at the hands of Admiral Adama in a recent episode. But, they’re nice married girls, so they get to live.
3. If you get married, don’t sleep around.
Starbuck was married to Sam, but she cheated with Apollo. Sam said there were others, too. Dualla has been a good, faithful wife and she survived her encounter with the racist doctor.
4. Have a baby.
Because in sci-fi, a reproductive woman is a useful woman. Not only did Callie have multiple opportunities to get shot, she got thrown into open space without a suit or a helmet or anything. But, she’s a mommy so she doesn’t have to freeze to death. She gets to have a full recovery and nag her husband about the privileged ruling class.
5. Stay away from the Enterprise and her captains.
At the very least stay away from James T. Kirk and William Riker. You’ll pick up space syphilis or something from either one of them.
6. Don’t tell lies or be a sneaky bitch.Padme Amidala was married and pregnant, but she kept her marriage to Anakin a secret. Padme had to die. On Lost, Libby wasn’t honest with Hurley about how she knew him. Libby had to die.
7. Try to act like a lady. And that includes keeping your panties on.
Don’t smoke cigars, don’t get drunk, don’t cut your hair too short. If possible, wear a skirt. Ripley was a survivor until she shaved her head. Ana-Lucia didn’t act like a lady, and neither did Starbuck.
President Roslin survived terminal cancer. She was standing in front of a row of Cylon Centurians ready to execute her. How is she still alive? Because she doesn’t look or act mannish. She wears skirts, has long hair, doesn’t sleep around. The naughtiest thing she does is flirt with Admiral Adama.
8. Be written by Joss Whedon
The women from Firefly and Serenity broke all of these rules and managed to live. Inara is a sex worker. Zoe could kick Starbuck’s ass. Kaylee works with criminals. And yet they were all alive at the end of Serenity.
It looks like the best way to survive sci-fi is to be this woman:
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Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
I love #8 that is great!!
I realize I’m jumping in here really late (darn interlinking of articles), but…
@Amy: “Yet [Carter]’s died less often than the rest of them.”
Well, that’s not hard, considering that Daniel has died almost as many times as Kenny from South Park. And she may not have been killed much, but take a look at the tally of her lovers and admirers who have died horribly: Jonas Hanson, Martouf/Lantash, Narim, Orlin (twice), Joe Faxon, Fifth, even Jack O’Neill in at least two alternate realities. The only men to have survived her “black widow” curse are Doctors McKay and Felger (who didn’t really have a chance with her, not being cool enough), Agent Barrett (who doesn’t have a chance because the writers keep implying that she’s still mooning over O’Neill — blech), and Pete Shanahan (who ran away because he saw she was still mooning over O’Neill — still blech).
Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of things I like about the character of Samantha Carter, but her daddy issues and doomed love life are not among them.
Anyway, this was a frighteningly accurate list, and one I hope will become obsolete in the future.
There have been some plot developments since March 07, but I think the rules still hold up. An addendum or 2009 update may be in order.
Hate to criticize your post, but the baby rule does not work. Claire (from Lost) had a baby on the island, but that didn't stop her from being killed.
Claire's story isn't quite finished, yet. Last we saw, she was still stuck on Craphole Island and hanging with some sort of dead guy/spirit/whatever the hell it is in a shack that is neither here nor there.
Also, take note that this was originally written back on March 7, 2007.
Perhaps an update is in order. Lisa?
Claire's story isn't quite finished. Last we saw, she was still stuck on Craphole Island and hanging with some sort of dead guy/spirit/whatever the hell it is in a shack that is neither here nor there.
Also, take note that this was originally written back on March 7, 2007.
Perhaps an update is in order. Lisa?