Battlefield Earth kicked my ass. It showed up on cable and I thought there was no real harm in watching. Now, I’m a connoisseur of bad movies, and can power through just about any of them, but this one had me down for the count a mere twenty minutes in. I pressed on just past the one hour mark, and had to turn it off because I could feel myself getting stupider. I must be stupider because now I have so many questions.
So, it’s the year 3000 and an alien species called Psychlos have taken over Earth for a corporate strip mining operation. Humanity lives in tribal pockets and pepper their speech with grunts and growls and other assorted animal sounds. There’s a convoluted plot involving secretly mining gold, and ummm. . . I think the memory part of my brain got eaten by this movie.
It’s billed as “A Saga of the Year 3000″. Can you have a saga in one part? Is it still a saga if the hero doesn’t actually go on a journey and slay something? Star Wars is a saga. Star Trek is a saga. There isn’t a word for Battlefield Earth. It’s so bad, it transcends language.
“Man is an endangered species” is a phrase that gets bandied about, at least in the hour and nine minutes I watched. Somehow every remaining human in Battlefield Earth is a white guy. Forest Whitaker is the only non-white guy in the movie, and he plays an alien! And the white guys are stupid! L. Ron Hubbard is seriously telling me that it only took a thousand years for humanity to forget that their ancestors built those crumbling cities? It only took a thousand years for them to believe that gods built those cities on rock and roll?
Can someone tell me who decides when to use slow motion in a movie? Is it the director or the cinematographer? That person needs to be re-educated in a learning machine. I counted thirteen slow motion shots in the first twelve minutes, then got bored with counting. The slow motion choices were just weird. Is a slow motion wink necessary? A slow motion scowl? A slow motion guy walking to a bathroom to take a slow motion poop?
And what is that in John Travolta’s pants? Is that a bowling ball? Does he have a puppy in there? That bulge clearly had it’s own script because it operated totally independently of Travolta’s character. He turned right, the bulge turned left. He sat down for a drink, the bulge went hunting. The bulge was it’s own micro-universe. It was also the best actor in the movie.
There are a couple of aspects that aren’t horrible. The sets were very industrial and looked as if an alien species had simply adapted the existing structures to fit their needs. So, that was believable. Then there was a short speech from John Travolta about his species’ attack on Earth. He said it only took the Psychlos nine minutes to conquer Earth and decimate humanity. As a concept, it could make you start thinking about the fragility of human existence and our place in the universe, but that kind of deep thinking is quickly eradicated by the next absurd line coming out of his mouth that chisels at your remaining intelligence.
OK, I’ve written considerably more than Battlefield Earth deserves. I should have listened to Roger Ebert when he said “Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.” Now, I’ve got to find a way to get my brain out of slow motion.
Lisa Fary's earliest influences are Princess Leia, Rainbow Bright, Astronaut Barbie, and her 6th grade teacher, Ms. Palmer. She's angry that it's 2011 and she still doesn't have a hovercraft, but will accept a jetpack as consolation. That jetpack had better be pink with a rhinestone monogram. 
Thanks. I'd wondered if that movie had any redeeming features, besides some stellar actors trapped into religious bondage to make it.